Table of contents for MAY 16 in Esquire UK

Geoff Dyer The acclaimed writer gives Esquire an exclusive extract on page 138 from his forthcoming book, White Sands (Canongate; published on 30 June) , which explores the human relation to places — what and why we are drawn to them. Dyer’s previous works include The Colour of Memory, The Missing of The Somme and Another Great Day at Sea: Life Aboard the USS George H W Bush. Tom Craig “Photo shoots are often quite private affairs,” the photographer says of our Idris Elba cover shoot in The Shard. “The knowledge of that privacy can focus everyone’s attention, especially someone in the public eye. Imagine our surprise when two guys appeared at the window — given we were on the 39th floor!” (See page 161.) Craig’s work also appears in…

When I get back from the fashion shows, my friends always ask me what I saw. My answer is always the same and not especially helpful: lots of trousers, quite a few coats and dozens of decades. The fashion world loves a decade. This summer it’s the Fifties, next autumn it’s the Seventies, and there’s still a pinch of Eighties hanging around. Someone apparently spotted a bit of Nineties last week. There’s no longer any decade that style forgot; it cherishes them all like an indulgent Grandpa Werther with his toffees. I’m not quite sure why fashion is so obsessed with time travel and trawling through thrift shops to find new inspiration from old clothes. Admittedly, there is only so many times you can reinvent the wheel (or the blazer)…

The British have, historically speaking, generally been rubbish at complaining. It wasn’t long ago, and certainly within my lifetime, that complaining was seen as something only uncouth or unhinged people did. You did not voice anything other than approbation, even if you felt exactly the opposite, particularly in public places and social situations. It was always much more proper, much more “British”, to bite one’s (stiff upper) lip, hold one’s tongue and not make a fuss. Oh boy, how things have changed. We now live in acutely cavillous times where everyone’s a critic and carping is the norm. The loud “tut” that had once represented the pinnacle of disapproval is now a mere degree on a scale that frequently goes all the way up to incandescent-with-rage at the merest mishap.…

Rado delivers more traditional designs Famous for its innovative spirit, Rado is the brand to seek out if you want a sleek, super-light timepiece that doesn’t break the bank. However, its Diamaster Grande Seconde collection is more traditionally styled, and the Swiss marque has just added three new designs to the family. They differ in colour, but each of the three feature two sub-dials within the 43mm case, which is cast from high-tech ceramic, making the watch scratch-resistant and hypoallergenic, usefully. £2,150, rado.com Tiffany adds scaleddown pieces to its East West Collection If you prefer a smaller, sleeker wristwatch, look to Tiffany & Co. Inspired by their iconic rectangular purse travel clock from the Forties, this collection comprises three watches whose faces have been rotated 90° within their 37 x…

A few years ago, men’s hairstyling was all about having a military-grade cut, clipped to within a micron of the scalp. Now more laid-back looks have taken over. Longer, loucher, more relaxed hair is having a moment and I, personally, couldn’t be happier about it (as a hairdresser it’s much more fun working with long hair than short). From the runways of Milan and Paris to the red carpets of Hollywood, longer hair is everywhere — here’s how to wear it, whatever your hair type. What to avoid Fabio’s flat fluff — it didn’t work for Robbie Savage and it won’t work for you Straight “Long, straight hair can be a hassle to manage. The key is to find a styling product which will make hair slightly heavier but also…

01 Penhaligon’s A new gentlemen’s grooming service fit for a king In business since 1870, Penhaligon’s has long been one of London’s leading exponents in men’s grooming and fragrance. Founder William Penhaligon’s first venture all those years ago was a boutique-cum-barber shop, so it’s fitting that the brand has just opened a matching operation in Canary Wharf. The new space offers shaves, beard trims and hair styling, but our tip for a tonsorial treat would be to go for The Royal, a fullworks service that includes a shave, haircut, face mask, eye treatment and threading, then a massage. And all in an hour. 02 The Kooples and Loro Piana French label doubles up with Italian fabric maestros You know its advertising campaign — if you and your partner are particularly…

It’s important to know that you don’t have to know anything about jazz to enjoy Miles Ahead, the unconventional biopic of Miles Davis which Don Cheadle directs, co-writes, co-produces and stars in. Davis is shown in two periods: in flashback from 1956–’66, during which time he made his best-known albums Birth of the Cool, Kind of Blue and Sketches of Spain; and in 1979, after four years of “retirement”, coke-ragged but keen to get back in business and accompanied by a Rolling Stone writer, played by Ewan McGregor. Davis and his would-be Boswell are a fictional pairing, though there’s plenty of truth in their actions and enough hat-tips to the real life of Miles to keep acolytes nodding in agreement. The soundtrack, of course, hits all the right notes in…

It appears that those of us who discard old underwear in correct upkeep of our wardrobes may actually be committing an act of cultural vandalism. A new exhibition at the Victoria and Albert Museum in London exposes that which we might otherwise keep concealed, going back to the 18th century to reveal what men and women kept closest to their chests, and other private regions. Over 200 actual undergarments will be on display, supported by advertising ephemera, photos, fashion shoots and packaging. In a reflection of real life, most of the most eye-catching exhibits are of women’s underwear, but about one-fifth of the show is devoted to men’s, a rarely remarked upon cul-de-sac of style. Proof here, too, that fashions really are cyclical: a picture of George Bernard Shaw on…

“I just can’t resist it. Whenever I see food and it looks interesting, I whip my camera out. It’s almost an automatic response. There are places and times I know when food is going to feature — cakes for Valentine’s Day in India, or wherever — but most of the time it’s always there in the background. There are some good examples of bad food in the new book, but there are also plenty of things I would like to eat. Quite often I do eat the things and it’s my plate I’m photographing before I eat it. “Have I ever photographed anything I’ve made? I don’t think I have. I’m not the greatest cook. Our daughter is a chef [Ellen Parr, of pop-up practitioners The Art of Dining], but…

Cultural events across the UK to mark William Shakespeare’s death began in January, continue until winter and peak around 23 April, 400 years to the day after The Bard’s final act in 1616. There are books, operas, ballets, classic films, talks, exhibitions and the World Shakespeare Congress in July and August — and even productions of his plays. As the man himself wrote in As You Like It: too much of a good thing? You might choose just one way to salute Bill: revived samurai movie Ran. Akira Kurosawa based his 1985 epic on King Lear, and spent almost two years filming it, with thousands of extras, hundreds of horses and singular focus: he built actual-size castles to be burned to the ground, and when his wife of 39 years…

Full disclosure is only full when disclosed immediately, and so: the Max of comedy duo Max and Ivan is Max Olesker (near left), a contributing editor of this magazine and former assistant to the Editor-in-Chief. Olesker and his comedy partner Ivan Gonzalez have had a BBC Radio 4 series and were nominated for best comedy show at the Edinburgh Festival. Their ability to role-play and imitate voices has led to the pair being dubbed the offspring of Monty Python and the League of Gentlemen. They wish they were as successful, but in their new show, “The End”, they certainly display the comic timing, madcap plotting and inventive storytelling of those forefathers. Esquire saw “The End” during its week-long premier run at the Soho Theatre towards the end of last year,…

The Anchor Inn, Seatown, Dorset Few seaside pubs are better tucked away, or offer as good a view from the garden. theanchorinnseatown.co.uk The Anchor Inn, Caunsall, Worcestershire Logan Plant, owner/founder Beavertown Brewery: “What grabs me the most, other than the fine array of beers and ciders, are the people. There is a great marriage of country and town folk who as families have been visiting for generations. The vibe is electric every night with banter and laughter. The experience gravitates around the beer, which is supremely kept and served.” theanchorinncaunsall.co.uk The Baltic Fleet, Liverpool It’s famous for having four ghosts and a tunnel leading from the cellar to the city’s old red light district. This is outstanding pub history. balticfleetpubliverpool.com The Beckford Arms, Tisbury, Wiltshire They serve vast lengths of delicious sausage roll straight…

Dolce & Gabbana Multicoloured bird print silk shirt, £675; grey wide-leg cotton trousers, £355; grey suede espadrilles, £385, all by Dolce & Gabbana Paul Smith Grey linen jacket, £695; bright yellow cashmere jumper, £270, both by Paul Smith Burberry Grey cashmere-wool Chesterfield coat, £1,995; aqua-green knitted Merino wool polo shirt, £295; blue Japanese denim jeans, £250, all by Burberry Canali Pale blue Cuban collar cotton-towelling shirt, £310; cream cashmeresilk blend polo shirt, £490, both by Canali Louis Vuitton Navy/grey embroidered silk sweatshirt, £2,200, by Louis Vuitton Michiel Huisman (it’s pronounced Mich-ee-el Haus-mon) is a busy man. His trip to London to meet Esquire is very much a flying visit, a quick stop-off between Spain, where he’s been filming season six of Game of Thrones, and Bucharest, where he’s shooting Harley…

Greyhours timepieces Greyhours is crafting luxury timepieces using diamond-like-carbon (DLC) coating technology and anti-reflective blue sapphire glass. The watch is powered by a Swiss designed movement. Very limited stock available. From £165. Order now at greyhours.com. Delivery in May 2016 Quiet Rebellion Quiet Rebellion's quirky socks are infiltrating offices across the world with disillusioned workers surreptitiously dipping their toes into this act of defiance. Quiet Rebellion socks feign conformity to the untrained eye with their professional top half, while inconspicuously concealing colourful patterns below the ankle. Each pair comes with the history of the rebel it celebrates and is also beautifully hand-wrapped. Shop now at £8 per pair. Vist quietrebellion. london and enter ESQUIRE10 for 10 per cent discount off your order Bold cashmere dress socks for prostate cancer Upgrade…

Last month: gender equality with Emma Watson, asparagus, how to wear lace and glassware for the home. This month: pubs, masturbation, Idris Elba and a brand new Ferrari. (Brrrrm!) We do try to keep it lively, here at Esquire, if only for our own amusement. And just as sometimes the magazine might be mistaken for Hey Guys!, the samizdat journal of progressive masculinity, reflecting the staunchly PC attitudes of the men and women who work here, indulging their enthusiasms for liberal causes and social consciousness-raising, their predilections for courageous trousers and outsider art and expressive furniture and the love poetry of Justin Bieber, so on other occasions we find ourselves publishing the equivalent of Woof! magazine, for dirty dogs, focusing on matters less mimsy like… oh, I don’t know… Britain’s…

ESQUIRE APPROVES Pink gold Drive de Cartier automatic, £14,100, by Cartier cartier.com Cartier is breaking down the wall between men’s day and evening dress watches with the quartet of timepieces comprising its newly launched Drive de Cartier collection. Unmistakably Cartier thanks to guilloché dials, transparent casebacks and blue sapphire winding crowns, the new Drive is instantly appealing. Whether it’s the curved edges of the cushion-shaped bezel, or the oversized Roman numerals on the open face, the Drive de Cartier feels both functional and chic. Available in pink gold or steel in a range of price levels to match, it is one of the most perfectly adaptable timepieces to add to your collection.…

When choosing a new camera, there are a few questions everyone should ask themselves. What sort of photos am I going to take? How easy is it to use? What can it do that my phone camera can’t? All reasonable and sensible thoughts. But, let’s be honest, we’re also asking this: how cool does it look? For spring, three of the biggest camera companies have launched new models that combine cuttingedge tech — 4K video! Waterproof LCD screen! — with handsome, retro looks that hark back to photography’s golden age. We can’t recommend them highly enough. Post-production services we recommend Framing Darbyshire Go-to framers for The Photographers’ Gallery in London. For custom frames in metal (aluminium, stainless steel, brass) and wood (beech, maple, black walnut) and anything else (formica, glass,…

Don Papa 10 The Philippines A premium rum from the volcanic island of Negros. Ten years old, aged in re-charred American oak barrels, it is powerfully sweet but freshened by a strong blast of dried orange. £50, harveynichols.com Bacardi Facundo Paraíso XA The Bahamas After celebrating their 150th anniversary in 2012, the Bacardi family released a private reserve collection named in honour of their founder Facundo Bacardi. Facundo Paraíso is the pick of the bunch, aged for up to 23 years in old cognac casks. Deep, silken and tactfully sweet, it has hints of chocolate, marzipan and ginger. £205, thewhiskyexchange.com Diplomático Single Vintage 2001 Venezuela Distilled at the foot of the Andes then aged for 12 years in bourbon and single malt casks before being finished off in Spanish sherry…

Home Light: Hay. Chair: Gubi. I don’t know what it is, but the Danish are great [designers]. Travel Hometowns: Barcelona and Cologne. Destination: Argentina or Chile. Hotel: La Maison d’Uzès, Uzès, France. Shop: Officina Profumo Farmaceutica di Santa Maria Novella, Florence, Italy. Style Jeans: I always have old-school Levi’s, the older and more washedout the better. I also have a lovely Ferragamo pair. Shoes: My favourites are from the Twenties, but they fell apart, so I found someone in Berlin to remake them. I like Prada boots, they’re wonderfully made. Suit: Paul Smith or Burberry. I’m a huge fan of English tailoring. Shirt: Dries van Noten. Tie: Knitted, by Huntsman. Scarf: Paul Smith. Tuxedo: Z Zegna. Or Prada — I got a couple of nice remarks for that one. Food…

Everybody has heard of Stockholm syndrome — where a captive falls for their kidnapper — but Sweden’s other big city, Gothenburg, has long suffered from “second city syndrome”, an inferiority complex in the face of a country’s capital. Understandable perhaps, when Sweden’s chief city is opulent, gorgeous Stockholm while Gothenburg has for decades been known as a town remarkable mainly for its port and Volvo factory. But times have changed and the city is enjoying a serious burst of creativity that’s seeing many young Swedes cross the country to enjoy the best the west has to offer. Tom Barber is a founder of the award-winning originaltravel.co.uk Shop Swedish jeans brand Nudie were name-checked in my Stockholm Barber Dossier in 2013, and Gothenburg has a great store at Vallgatan 15, but…

“Truth is like a toothbrush,” says Olivia Colman, on typically top form in the new Channel 4 comedy Flowers. “You only share it with people you really trust.” Colman plays Deborah Flower, a woman hilariously on the edge of a nervous breakdown and the other Flowers are her similarly fragile husband Maurice (Julian Barratt), misunderstood daughter Amy (Sophia di Martino) and deluded would-be inventor son Donald (Daniel Rigby). They live in a ramshackle house in the countryside, with a Japanese houseboy, Shun, played by Will Sharpe, who also writes and directs, and whose cod-philosophical musings rival Colman’s scenes for the show’s best moments such as Deborah suggesting they scatter Maurice’s mothers ashes over the vegetable patch “so that she can come back as some nice cauliflowers and strawberries and so…

Of the eight stories in Prodigals, Greg Jackson’s first book, the greatest is “Wagner in the Desert”, recounting a long, woozy week of pills, thrills and heartache in California. The thrill-seekers are sun-kissed smart-arses and tales of privileged debauchers chasing the best time ever often produce an opposite reaction in readers. Comedown? Serves them right. Jackson’s funny, vibrant and insightful storytelling, highs and lows included, makes you wish you were there. If you’ve ever had a summer job, and formed the off-balance relationships with workmates you would never choose as friends but think about for the rest of your life, then you will read “Summer 1984” with a knowing smirk. No one has ever been cajoled by a retired French tennis pro into an on-camera, shot-by-shot replaying of his career-peak…

The first episode of Undercover, a new Peter Moffat-scripted BBC thriller — loosely inspired by recent real-life stories of undercover police officers forming relationships with and even fathering children by their targets — is exciting in all the ways a pilot should be. Last-minute dashes to death row, flashbacks to East London Nineties race riots, hushed conversations in panelled offices and a “crazy wall” of photos and evidence suggesting further intrigue to come. Sophie Okonedo plays Maya, a barrister being pencilled in as the UK’s first black Director of Public Prosecutions, Adrian Lester is Nick, her husband and father of her children who... well, ignoring the name of the show, let’s just leave it at family-man Nick for now. “Nick is great to play,” Lester says. “This kind of role…

Of this year’s Oscar-winning films, only one “plumbs unforeseeable new depths of revulsion” while being “a lasting work of art”, a “work of breathtaking pretension”, “an absolute masterpiece” yet “intellectually repellent”. Son of Saul polarised critics, but Holocaust dramas tend to. Hungarian director Laszlo Nemes, won the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film, with his tale of Saul, an Auschwitz prisoner forced to clear corpses from the gas chambers. Remarkably there’s a survivor, subsequently murdered by a Nazi doctor and removed for autopsy. Saul says this is his son and searches the camp for a rabbi to preside over a proper burial. This makes him ideal to aid a plan to photograph the genocide and also forge an escape. The camera stays close up on Saul’s head or face…

Easy, tiger: Elba, who voices Shere Khan in Disney’s new The Jungle Book, photographed for Esquire in The Shangri-La Hotel, At The Shard, London, February 2016 16 Moments With Idris Elba 1. He arrives before everyone else. Today, Idris Elba is having his photo taken at The Shard. While the Esquire team gather in a hotel suite on the 39th floor, Elba’s already on the 31st — he’s been in meetings here since 8am. He’s got a lot on. There’s the increasingly high-profile Hollywood career — five films released in 2016, including this summer’s latest Star Trek blockbuster. There’s his production company, Green Door Pictures, established partly to develop ideas Elba felt were under-represented on the screen and partly to show the world something of his own personal passions, of…

‘Trainspotting has been around for so long now that it belongs to the world. It’s become this big, cultural marking point that cuts across countries’ I’m suspicious of all these people who say, “I’ve got this great unifying philosophy of life and this is what it’s all about...” I think they just make up that shit to sound good. I don’t really have any philosophy. Life is just something that you muddle through using whatever tools come to hand at the time. I have an inability to look beyond two weeks ahead and I have an inability to look back and reflect on the past. I’ve got pals who can tell me that we had a night out in 1978 and they’ll remember what kind of jumper I was wearing.…

‘I never think, “We’ve made it.” When you think you’ve made it you become complacent and you no longer put the energy or passion in’ My nickname at school was “Hippo”. You know how a big guy would be called “Tiny”? I was very small at school. I have eight brothers and sisters and I learned from having so many siblings that every single person has a totally different framework. So I think I learned to be flexible and accepting. I am quite flexible. More flexible than my father was. He was hard on me. Andy Warhol was quite an influence on me. I met him when I moved to New York. He baked pop culture like nobody else. He brought fashion, art, music, entertainment, celebrity and fun together. I…

Look 01 Beige cotton suit jacket, £300, by J Crew Black/white striped linen T-shirt, £90, by Sandro Navy linen scarf, £75, by Hackett Beige cotton trousers, £160, by J Crew White leather trainers, £215, by Russell & Bromley Blue leather document wallet, £195, by Richard James Greenwich black dial stainless steel watch, £450, by Links of London Look 02 Navy pinstripe cotton suit, £700, by Hackett White cotton shirt, £155, by Richard James Blue/white striped silk tie, £85, by Hackett Black leather double monk strap shoes, £405, by Crockett & Jones Blue striped umbrella, £95, by Daks Pink gold column wheel chronograph on brown alligator leather strap, £5,600, by Longines…

Gym kit has always had a tendency towards the garish, invariably cut too generously from fabrics which are uncomfortably coarse and unnervingly shiny in equal measure. The days of active wear ignominy, we’re pleased to report, are over. The recent trend for luxe sportswear (or should that be athleisure?) clothing and the rise of fabrics as sumptuous as they are scientific has fully legitimised your training kit as wearable both in the gym and out. Essentially, it’s super-technical sports kit that won’t make you look like a PE teacher from the wrong end of the Nineties. Here’s our pick of the best stuff. Now you’ve got the kit… You can make a good gym a great one by adding these three hard working and stylish pieces of equipment Wattbike Measures…

In order to stimulate the mind and achieve fitness goals, it’s important to recalibrate your exercise regime. Summer is almost here, bringing with it exciting new sporting pursuits. Outdoor swimming is a burgeoning trend, prompting local councils and businesses to invest in Britain’s most iconic pools, lidos and lakes. These stylish social havens are perfect for daily swimming and are located in picturesque destinations ideal for an adventurous weekend away. If I can tempt you out of the gym, I’ve chosen 10 I recommend you visit right now. Wild swimming Llyn Y Fan Fach, Brecon Beacons, Wales For those seeking adventure, the hike to this cobalt blue glacier lake, set amid the Black Mountain in Carmarthenshire, will surely be worth it. It’s 18m deep and crisp, even on the warmest…

We like to think we know a thing or two about men’s fragrances, but it’s always good to do a little market research. So we’ve reached out to a few of Esquire’s favourite female friends for some advice. After all, the fragrance you choose isn’t just for you. Jodie Harrison, creative and content director, Soho House Group Blu Mediterraneo, by Acqua di Parma, £90/150ml “Despite my working in the men’s market for over 12 years with access to every new scent, my husband refused to wear fragrance until a year ago. Since then he’s become like Liberace — a different fragrance for every mood or whim. The one I enjoy on him most is Blue Mediterraneo. It’s light enough to smell the man beneath, but warm, aromatic and citrusy —…

Golf and style have had a rocky relationship over the years. The classic and elegant look of the Forties and Fifties was slowly superseded by the dazzling nylon and shiny technical fabrics that still dominate today. But salvation might just have arrived. The new Links collections by Alfred Dunhill takes the pared-down style of the Arnold Palmer era and combines it with quality fabrics and technical features to keep you comfortable, mobile — and dry — while you’re playing. And as it’s designed by golfers for golfers, it’s the detailing that real players will appreciate most. At long last, a golf collection that delivers on every front, whatever the weather. dunhill.com Where to wear it — courses with style Royal Portrush, Northern Ireland This impeccable coastal course hosts the British…

ESQUIRE APPROVES Mr Burberry eau de toilette, £80/150ml burberry.co.uk Think of London, think of Burberry. Known for trench coats, an historic house check and a knack for aligning itself with the best British talent, the brand is as synonymous with the capital city as Big Ben and passive-aggressive tube commuters. The brand’s new fragrance, Mr Burberry, is inspired by London, “a city of great contrasts and contradictions, both traditional yet irreverent; elegant without being pristine,” says its chief creative and chief executive officer, Christopher Bailey. Developed with expert perfumer Francis Kurkdjian, Mr Burberry has top notes of grapefruit and tarragon, but kept masculine by cedar wood, vetiver and birch leaf. For those considering a new scent for the warmer months, the search may well be over. Wear it with… In…

Mysterious phenomena are the backbone of the gripping sci-fi film Midnight Special: religious cults, other dimensions, off-the-grid living and young boys who can pick up radio signals and bring down satellites. Michael Shannon stars as Roy, whose first act appears to be the kidnapping of his son Alton (Jaeden Lieberher) from his guardian, a cult leader who sees messiah-like qualities in the boy. Father and son hit the road, led by the boy’s directions from (and to) a place unknown, with old pal Lucas (Joel Edgerton) and the boy’s mother Sarah (Kirsten Dunst) along for the ride. Pursuing them are the FBI, in the shape of the nerdy but open-minded Paul, played by Adam Driver, and two of the cult leader’s acolytes. Midnight Special’s director Jeff Nichols (Mud, Take Shelter)…

In February, Operation Elveden closed after £14.7m pounds and nearly five years spent by the Metropolitan Police investigating payments by journalists to police and members of the public. Duncan Campbell, in just one of the dozens of great stories in his new history of British crime reporting, only has to go back to 1953, and the trial of the serial killer John Christie, when the Sunday Dispatch newspaper was thwarted in its attempt to pay for the defence of a man who was eventually hanged for the murder of seven women — because the Sunday Pictorial had got there first. Different times indeed. From Newgate prison chaplains writing biographies of gallows-bound men 340 years ago to the crowdfunded tweeting of Old Bailey trials, Campbell highlights investigative reporters as well as…

Sometimes, previously unseen images are not cultural buried treasure. Nostalgia can be a powerful drug, especially when considering a photographer’s unsold off-cuts given new life in lavish coffee-table book format. This is absolutely not the case with The Smiths. Nalinee Darmrong was 17 in the summer of 1985 when The Smiths toured North America and a friend bought her a ticket to the Washington DC gig as a high-school graduation gift (great present). She and her pals waited all night outside the band’s hotel after the gig to get their autographs over breakfast, and Johnny Marr put them on the guest list for New York. Then she and her pals drove to LA, later flying to Scotland. In 1986, Darmrong saw 17 of 24 shows on the North American leg…

A previously unheralded football team challenges for one of the game’s top prizes. The side’s foreign coach, with his unconventional methods, is the surprise leader of this tilt at glory. As the prize gets nearer with each stage of the contest, media and fan frenzies build. Players and club officials try their best to stay level-headed but as “Can we?” turns into “We can!” there is a momentum that seemingly cannot be shoved aside. Carr’s novel apes Leicester City’s crack at the Premier League title JL Carr’s 1975 novel How Steeple Sinderby Wanderers Won the FA Cup, barely ever in print and until recently only noticed in mid-table slots on broadsheets’ best-sports-book lists, could not have become a Penguin Modern Classic at a more pertinent time, aping as it does…

I remember my first wank as if it were yesterday. I was in the bathroom of my childhood home — pastel-coloured, nautical wallpaper, seahorses on the roller blind — soaking in Super Matey, idly stroking my short, pencil-hard penis, when there came upon me a greater sense of urgency than I had ever known. I squeezed harder and yanked more firmly. I had played with my tool before but this was a new and magical feeling, a fiery pleasure in my stomach, arsehole and all up my back. I felt optimistic, alive, unbothered by homework, Common Entrance, the price of Monster Munch or whether I’d keep my place in the prep school first XI as a small, scuttling, non-scoring centre forward. As my little hand started to stick and drag…

No 58 £3,450 berluti.com Your suitcase says as much about you as the items you choose to fill it with, and you’ll go some distance to find a sleeker, more impressive suitcase than this one. Featuring handily positioned compartments, silent, impact-resistant wheels and an ergonomic, telescopic handle, it delivers admirably on function. And as it’s made from Venezia leather — developed by Berluti in the early Nineties to deliver an exceptionally rich patina — it will look a little bit better after every journey you take it on. Better start clocking up the air miles.…