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Viz

Viz

March 2020

Viz has been gracing British newsagents' shelves since 1979. Its irreverent mix of bad language, childish cartoons and sharp satire has seen its creators hauled over the coals by the United Nations, questioned by Scotland Yard's anti-terrorist branch and exhibited in the Tate Gallery. Viz's comic characters, such as the Fat Slags, Sid the Sexist, and Roger Mellie the foul-mouthed Man on the Telly, as well as its hugely popular Top Tips and Profanisaurus sections, are firmly established as national institutions, just like Broadmoor Hospital for the Criminally Insane. *Manufacturer's estimate.

País:
United Kingdom
Idioma:
English
Editor:
Dennis Publishing UK
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10 Números

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17 min.
letterbocks

WHY is it that whenever we see James Bond in a casino he is always at a card table, playing for high stakes against his nemesis? Doesn’t he ever fancy having a go on the slot machines for a change? For starters, he wouldn’t have to get all dressed up, and he would be less likely to piss off some super-villain and get his bollocks burnt off with a laser beam. Unless Mr Blofeld or whoever had been shovelling money into the bandit all night, only for Bond to drop the jackpot on his first pull. Hector Dolittle, Godalming ONE of my goldfish has an uncrimped turd twice his own body length trailing from his arse. In human terms, that’s the equivalent of roughly 12 feet of continuous shit being dragged around.…

2 min.
top

POSTIES and couriers. When delivering a parcel, please give ample time for the recipient to wipe their arse and get down the stairs. John Elton, email ADD water to cheese to create delicious, chewable milk. Glen Hattersley, Stockport CREATE your own thick-sliced bread by supergluing two pieces from a medium-sliced loaf together. Michael Thompson, North Wales SOAP directors. Encourage actors to break wind as and when they need to during takes, especially when they ’re doing scenes by themselves. This will add an element of realism to proceedings that no over-the-top slanging match or pub-barring ever could. Prince Asbo, Canterbury CONVINCE colleagues that you’re David Tennant by doing a little grimace at moments of high drama at work. TILLY Turner, Salford INCREASE the fun at family gatherings by putting a whopee cushion on Grandma ’s chair. And a little gravy…

1 min.
trevor forecast

TODAY: The south east of England will see scattered areas of Brooking this morning, becoming McDonald by the afternoon. Across the midlands, expect dense patches of Nunn and Noah, moving over into teast Anglia to become Francis later. In Scotland and the northern England, mainly Eve with a brief spell of Bannister off of ‘Are You Being Served?’ overnight. OUTLOOK: Mainly McDonald and Francis across the UK, with a few low-pressure areas of Nelson and Brooking breaking through on Sunday. THREE DAY OUTLOOK: Saturday: Sinclair over Wales and the south west, patches of Eve in the north. Sunday: Mainly Brooking, becoming Trevor off of Trevor & Simon later. Monday: Nunn sweeping in from the south east.…

2 min.
be my alan-tine!

WE all love Valentine's Day, and celebrities called Alan – or some variation on Alan – are presumably no different. We phoned our four favourite A-List Alans to ask them one simple question: What was YOUR most memorable Valentine's Day? ALAN DAVIES LUG-MUNCHING FUNNYMAN I’M KNOWN for my alleged love of ear chomping, so my most memorable Valentine’s was a few years back, when the wife surprised me with a slap-up, aural-organ-based romantic dinner for two! We went to Heston Blumenthal’s wacky ‘Fat Duck’ restaurant, where Heston had prepared us a sumptuously lug-centric set menu. We had cheetah ear lobe soup to start, followed by dolphin pinna casserole and elephant lug cheesecake for pud. Then it was straight back home for a bit of telly and penetrative sex. That evening will take some…

2 min.
roar fear!

IT SEEMS that Viz readers are terrified of being attacked by lions, and you’ve been writing in your hundreds to tell us all about it. Here are a selection of the best letters we’ve received. EVER since I saw the film Born Free as a little girl, I’ve been terrified of being ate off a lion. Consequently, I avoid all places where I might come into contact with them, such as zoos, safari parks and African savannahs. Edith Creamhorn, Bude I’VE been attacked by lions twice – once when one escaped from a zoo that I was visiting, and again when my car broke down in a safari park and I foolishly got out and started tinkering under the bonnet whilst eating a sausage sandwich. Frank Underwear, Luton ALTHOUGH extremely dangerous, lions are quite easy…

10 min.
no sussexes please, we’re british (and american)

THE WORLD was rocked last month by Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s announcement that they plan to retire from royal life and earn their own living across the Atlantic. The selfish pair’s spiteful broadside, timed to spoil the 38th birthday celebrations of the wonderfully British Duchess of Cambridge, reportedly broke the Queen’s heart. The 93-year-old monarch, who has selflessly sat on the throne for nearly six decades, was consumed with grief after her ungrateful grandson and his American divorcee wife decided to sever all ties with the UK monarchy and scuttle off to the US, after being “upset” by wholly reasonable press coverage of their disgraceful and shameless lifestyle. According to their announcement, Harry and Meghan intend to make their own way in the world, working to earn their livings like normal…