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VizViz

Viz

November 2019

Viz has been gracing British newsagents' shelves since 1979. Its irreverent mix of bad language, childish cartoons and sharp satire has seen its creators hauled over the coals by the United Nations, questioned by Scotland Yard's anti-terrorist branch and exhibited in the Tate Gallery. Viz's comic characters, such as the Fat Slags, Sid the Sexist, and Roger Mellie the foul-mouthed Man on the Telly, as well as its hugely popular Top Tips and Profanisaurus sections, are firmly established as national institutions, just like Broadmoor Hospital for the Criminally Insane. *Manufacturer's estimate.

Country:
United Kingdom
Language:
English
Publisher:
Dennis Publishing UK
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20 Issues

IN THIS ISSUE

access_time10 min.
letter books

LAST week, a wasp flew into my living room, so I sprayed it with wasp killer. However, some of the spray landed in my fish tank and killed all my goldfish. Why don’t wasp spray manufacturers call it ‘Wasp and Goldfish Killer’? I think the marketing boys missed a trick there. Neil Johnson, Durham AS a life-long vegetarian, although I have often been accused of excessive flatus, I contend that any meat-eater’s 6am alarm call is more malodorous. A referendum on gut vapour is clearly overdue. Lentil Casserole, Herts I THINK Shakin’ Stevens would make a great guest at a dinner party, if I were to host one, but I probably won’t. Percy Gladrags, Email MY family and I recently spent a weekend in the farming region of Kent, and the one thing that amazed us…

access_time2 min.
this just-in!

This Just-In! REPORTS from the afterlife suggest that disgraced arsehole publicist MAX CLIFFORD is attempting to re-boot his PR career in the fiery pits of Hell. And demonic sources have confirmed that the late media guru’s first client is to be none other than... ADOLF HITLER! “Adolf’s involvement in the Second World War has done lasting damage to his public image – damage I intend to correct,” Clifford told reporters via Ouija board. The universally loathed press agent went on to outline his ideas for ‘rebranding’ the long-dead Nazi leader, which include having him replace his iconic toothbrush moustache with a trendy ‘goatee’, and arranging for the Fuhrer to be photographed helping an old lady across the River Styx. This Just-In! ANGLICANS across the globe are up in arms after Catholic…

access_time1 min.
top tips

PRETEND you have an expensive electric car by wearing earplugs when driving and pushing your car home. Kevin Lanaghan, Blantyre CONVINCE everyone that you’re Elton John by mentioning that you were a very close friend of Princess Diana every time anyone so much as glances in your direction. Corneilia De Vries, Cheesetown GAIN the upper hand when haggling for a new car, by wearing short shorts and soiling yourself on the test drive. David Craik, Hull MAKE your neighbours’ barbecue party a buzzing success by painting jam on the underside of his tree and shrub leaves the night before. SheddyIan, Pontygwaith SAVE money after moving home by not telling window cleaners that you’ve just moved in. When they knock on your door asking for cash, inform them that as their contract was with the previous residents you won’t…

access_time1 min.
your brexit questions

THE whole Brexit debate has really left me unmoved, to be honest, and I have simply sat back unbothered as the country tears itself apart. However, I think things went too far when her Majesty had her annual six-week holiday at Balmoral interrupted in order for her to prorogue parliament. Enough is enough. Let’s get it ruddy well sorted. Darcy Beaugest, Taunton A BREXIT deal would be much easier to negotiate if Johnny Foreigner would learn to speak without that ridiculous accent. Peter Busby, Australia WHEN will these Remoaners learn that the country voted for Brexit explicitly because the British people do or do not want bendy bananas? I am firmly in favour of or against bendy bananas, and that’s why I ticked the box for Leave in the referendum. I do or do…

access_time1 min.
check out the big brains on viz readers

AFTER selflessly giving away a free puzzle book with issue 288, staff at your big-hearted Viz have been inundated with letters from mean-spirited readers pointing out errors. Here are some of the bastards’ letters lambasting hard-working Viz journalists. REGARDING the ‘Ask the Bacon Family’ puzzle in Mr Logic’s puzzle book, the number of punches thrown in this scenario is represented as “total-punches P = (n)(n-1)/2.” The answer given (17 party guests) would make for 272 punches, not the 136 quoted in the question. It looks like the writer assumed that there was only 1 punch exchanged between each unique set of guests, not that “everybody punches everybody else exactly once.” Eat that one, you bag of utter cunts. Gman, Bristol I WAS disappointed with Mr. Logic’s lack of checks for Ask The Bacon…

access_time10 min.
who is the most marvellous morgan?

WALK into any TV studio, 70s porn cinema or 19th Century financial trading floor, and you’ll hear the same old argument every time: Who Is The Best Morgan? From Tyneside to Timbuktu, our personal Morgan preference is a subject which arouses our fiercest passions, and when it comes to defending our favourite, most of us won’t flinch from resorting to verbal abuse, internet ‘flaming’ or even physical violence. For some, the greatest Morgan of all time has to be much-loved telly cunt PIERS MORGAN, who made his name as a fearless Fleet Street editor before rebranding himself as a breakfast TV icon and side-splitting Twitter fave. Others would argue that the best is Polish adult film actress CHESTY MORGAN, whose gargantuan 73-inch bust has featured prominently in male sexual fantasies since…

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