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Viz October 2019

Viz has been gracing British newsagents' shelves since 1979. Its irreverent mix of bad language, childish cartoons and sharp satire has seen its creators hauled over the coals by the United Nations, questioned by Scotland Yard's anti-terrorist branch and exhibited in the Tate Gallery. Viz's comic characters, such as the Fat Slags, Sid the Sexist, and Roger Mellie the foul-mouthed Man on the Telly, as well as its hugely popular Top Tips and Profanisaurus sections, are firmly established as national institutions, just like Broadmoor Hospital for the Criminally Insane. *Manufacturer's estimate.

国家:
United Kingdom
语言:
English
出版商:
Dennis Publishing UK
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10 期号

本期

2
holy crumbs!

A PAPAL edict could see the much-loved cracker Mini Cheddars being used in the holy communion service as early as next year. The move is seen as part of Pope Francis’s programme of updating the Roman Catholic Church’s canonical law to make it ‘fit for purpose’ for the 21st century. The move follows the extraordinary summit of bishops convened in the Vatican earlier this year, where the 82-year-old Christ’s representative on earth decided to ‘open the doors’ of the church to appeal to new members of the flock and expand its estimated 1.3 billion client base. An historic worldwide Eucharist deal is believed to have been secured with Mini Cheddars after parent company Jacobs beat off stiff competition from a lucrative rival bid by Dairy Lea Lunchables. heavy “It was a close run thing,…

16
letter books

I’VE just read that 20 Prime Ministers went to Eton School. My kids go to a real rough as fuck comp, and I doubt anyone going there is ever going to see the inside of 10 Downing Street. They must have fantastic teachers at Eton. Does anyone know where it is, just in case we’re in the catchment area and I could move my kids over? They’d have to do free dinners for them though, because I’m on benefits. Ed Scrabbley, Driffield WHILE we were out the other day, somebody drove down our road and ran into the neighbour’s gatepost. The impact knocked the stonework off the top which fell onto our wall and knocked it over. Nobody saw the incident and the culprit didn’t stop, so it looks like he or…

2
top tips

SAVE time responding to spam emails by creating a reply template with your bank account logins, passport details and a few photos of yourself wanking furiously. Jack Fisher, Ipswich QUIZ-SHOW hosts. When it’s clear that your contestants haven’t got a fucking clue what the answer is, try repeating the question several times slowly in a soft voice as the seconds tick down. The answer is bound to come to them. Hadrian Wall, email MAKE people think you’re an Amazon delivery driver by knocking aggressively at the door 8 seconds after ringing the bell. Matthew Sparks, West Midlands CUT down expensive hair salon costs by putting a saucepan on your head and cutting it yourself. If you need two hands to work the scissors, pop along to the hairdressers and ask them to hold the handle. Jules Tavolieri,…

1
klass act?

MYLEENE KLASS has always been dubbed a ‘Klass act’ by journalists, not only because she has an arse you can bounce a pound coin off, but because she is always well presented and dedicates so much of her time to charity. But a few people who have crossed paths with the former Hear’Say songstress take a different view… SPOTTED! I WAS just pulling out of a treacherous blind junction at the end of my street when a driver in a Peugeot 308 coming the other way flashed me to let me out. I couldn’t believe it when I saw it was none other than Myleene Klass. She obviously thinks she owns the fucking roads, directing traffic like lady muck. Klass act? My arse. A. Trotman, Torquay SPOTTED! I SAW Myleene whilst out shopping…

1
noughts & crosses corner

I WILL place my nought in the bottom left corner to make three in a row and therefore take the game! Winning such a prestigious and high profile game as this will surely do my NACKERS (Noughts And Crosses Knockout European Ranking System) the world of good, possibly even place me in the number one seed. I assume it’s winner stays on? N Lawrence, Oxford * Congratulations, Nick, a very good game-winning move, worthy of a champion. And commiserations to Mr Andrews, who put up an extremely good fight and had Nick Laurence on the ropes a couple of times. We think that all Viz readers will agree that with an excellent game played in good spirits, Noughts and Crosses was the winner.…

2
new scientits

Waste not want not WE ARE always being told that plastic micro-particles are getting into the food chain via the fish we eat. Most worrying though must be the question of what happens to all the plastic tits of the likes of Pamela Anderson and Jordan when they die? Reginald Molehusband, Surbiton ANSWER: Silicone Gel implants were first introduced in 1961 for reconstructive purposes, and over the years the phenomenon of upping the cup size for purely cosmetic reasons has become mainstream. Though plastic tits are often now simply a saline gel, they do explode during cremation. A shower of molten tit juice is the last thing weeping mourners expect, so generally the false knockers are removed shortly before burial and recycled Albert E, M.C. Square Event horizon GENERAL relativity predicts that the gravitational pull of…