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Esquire April 2016

Esquire is a funny, informative, connected magazine that covers the interests of American men—all the interests of the American man: Politics, style, advice, women, health, eating and drinking, the most interesting people of our time. All that and it’s the most-honored monthly magazine in history.

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access_time5 min.
what’s it worth to you?

IT TAKES A LOT OF MONEY to be poor. I never knew that until I lost my job. Lights, phone, water, heat—the bills keep coming. Snag an interview and it’s miles away, so factor in a car note. The landlord keeps knocking. That rainy-day fund you spent years assembling washes away in months and suddenly you’re headed downhill with no brakes. I’d never sniffed wealthy, but I’d always been flush. At seventeen I was bringing home more money than my old man, hanging boxcar doors at an N & W repair yard overlooking the Cuyahoga River, the junior partner by two decades in a firm populated by former members of the Wild Bunch. Most of my contemporaries were wearing paper hats and being told to hold the pickles. I had a…

access_time2 min.
wanna bet?

In March 2010, Tiger Woods announced that he would return to golf after his selfimposed period of penance following his marital difficulties, and that he would do so at the Masters. The night after he made that announcement, I made a wager with a friend that Woods would never win another of golf ’s four major tournaments—$1,000 a year for as long as he competed. That turned out well. I would make a similar wager that there will never be driverless cars in the way that Google and Tesla imagine them—totally independent of human intercession and capable of going anywhere. I realize that I am in the minority. From the breathless coverage that automation receives, one gets the impression that it’s right around the corner. Excuse me, but bullshit. (See our little feature…

access_time9 min.
the esq&a: keegan-michael key and jordan peele

STACEY WOODS: Tell me about all of the kitty cats in your new film, Keanu. JORDAN PEELE: The kitty cats. We had a lot of kitty cats. There were two phases of kittens that were all Keanu, and two groups within the phases. SW: Were they related? Were they brothers and sisters? KEEGAN-MICHAEL KEY: They gave us two separate litters from the same mom. SW: Was she a breeder? JP: We were just knocking her up left and right. KK: Boosh. Boosh. Boosh. Boosh. JP: She was a sex slave for Keanu. KK: This poor used and turned-out cat. SW: Where is she now? KK: She’s back on the streets—we tossed her back out there. JP: Chewed her up, tossed her out—now she’s on Hollywood Boulevard. KK: Rode her hard, left her out there wet. SW: That’s too bad. JP: We had two types…

access_time1 min.
the dossier: keegan-michael key and jordan peele

Dates of birth: March 22, 1971, and February 21, 1979 Which make them: 45 and 37 Hometowns: Detroit and New York Where Key was: Adopted by a white woman and a black man. After being: Born to a white woman and a black man. And only later learned: About his six biological siblings. Including: His late half brother, the renowned comicbook writer Dwayne McDuffie. Meanwhile, Peele was: Raised by his white mother. Which all goes toward explaining why: They considered naming their show Beige. Education (Key): A BFA at University of Detroit Mercy and an MFA at Penn State University in theater. Education (Peele): An incomplete BA at Sarah Lawrence. Which he abandoned to: Create the comedy duo Two White Guys. Alongside: A white Jewish lesbian. They finally met in: Chicago, 2003 Which is when Key: “Fell in comedy love” with Peele. Peele says: “It…

access_time1 min.
what esquire is . . . listening to

Marjorie Eliot is an old, frail woman. Her apartment is shabby and unair-conditioned. And it’s there she’ll give you just about the best musical experience of your life. Eliot is a serious jazz artist, with sidemen who range in experience from students to kick-ass players. But the real beauty is the feeling in the room at Parlor Jazz. When Eliot sits at the piano, it’s like a magic trick—if you took the subway over to 118th Street, Charlie Parker would still be playing at Minton’s. The room has that feeling that music is the thing we share that heals us, and Eliot’s age and frailty drive the message home. The whole experience fills you with gratitude. When you walk out of that once grand Harlem apartment—the same building where Count…

access_time2 min.
the esquire survival guide: the worst things on earth

AN ARCTIC STORM Where: Sisimiut, Greenland What: Arctic Circle crosscountry-ski race. I lied on my application: I’d never done any cross-country skiing. Everyone else had these world-class outfits, and I showed up in sweatpants and a windbreaker. I was feeling great when, out of nowhere, an arctic storm came in—within 15 minutes, it dropped at least 40 degrees. I was hours away from help and convinced I was going to die. So I started chanting like I was Matthew McConaughey going to war—hoo-HA!—and imagined a crowd cheering me on. A CACTUS ATTACK Where: Oracle, Arizona What: 24 Hours in the Old Pueblo bike race. I was biking through the desert at night and my headlamp went out. I was so terrified by the fact that it was pitch black that I didn’t even realize I had crashed…