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Esquire June - July 2015

Esquire is a funny, informative, connected magazine that covers the interests of American men—all the interests of the American man: Politics, style, advice, women, health, eating and drinking, the most interesting people of our time. All that and it’s the most-honored monthly magazine in history.

United States
Les merkeyboard_arrow_down
9 Utgaver


access_time4 min.
the cold open

It feels, the word itself, like one of those ultimately untraceable monosyllables whispered to us--like war or dog or sky--through the ancient empty water pipes of the language one imagines finally opening out onto some endless, grassy, and presedentary proto-nostratic plain back when the language of the Vedas and the way they talk in Jersey were a faint and shared potential. Back when war and dog and sky and fun were pretty much the high points, I should think. A state of affairs that found a certain re-expression (on analogy, I suppose, with discredited theories of evolutionary recapitulation) in one’s high school years, with monosyllabic preoccupations dominant and fun, retaining something of its wild nomadic origins in all that mindless cruising around the Pizza King at night, at the top…

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past curricula from our famous school for comedians

KNOW YOUR ONE-LINERS! 1. Take my wife, _____. a. For instance. b. I’ll be along later. c. Please! 2. My hotel room was so small, when I closed the door the doorknob _____. a. Also closed since it’s part of the door. b. Got in bed with me. c. Was missing . . . uh oh! 3. You know what a hippie is: dresses like Tarzan, looks like Jane, smells like _____. a. Marijuana b. Poo-poo* c. Cheetah *Child’s word for doody. THE DENNIS MILLER AD-LIB Watching Bush handle a press conference is like watching historical fgure try to sing mezzo-soprano in nineteenth-century opera. He has more ticks than obscure third-base coach for early-sixties baseball team after a night of doing euphemism for crystal meth with nineteenth-century Russian author and Cardinal Spellman.* *Please note, joke must end with Cardinal Spellman. MORE GREATEST…

access_time2 min.

For the first time in four years, this issue is not about fatherhood. Each of our last three June/July issues dealt with the fact that a lot of us are fathers and that all of us have fathers and that the relationship with our fathers or our children is one of the foundational elements of our lives. We still believe that, of course; we just decided to take a break and, as summer approaches over the near horizon, concentrate on having some fun. It might actually be a good time for us to take a break, because there are signs that the denigration of the American father is beginning to ease up. For 25 years—really since The Cosby Show went off the air— fathers appeared in popular culture predominantly as incompetents…

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against feelings

The tyranny of feelings goes pretty much unquestioned at this point. Everyone falls for the reigning sentimentality of the moment—left, right, young, old, rich, poor, faithful, pagan—because everyone believes, or at least acts as if they believe, that feelings are as important as real things. The overvaluation of the feels is growing into a dangerous confusion between what is material and what is perspective. The bullshit can be bright and shiny. In Tina Fey’s Netfix gem Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, the heroic narrative that dominates almost all American comedy and drama—once you set your mind to it, you can do whatever you want—is taken to a parodic extreme. “You can stand anything for ten seconds. Then you just start on a new ten seconds,” Kimmy tells her fellow kidnapping victim while…

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bow down

On the 21st day of 2006, I bought two songs from the album #1s, by Destiny’s Child, on iTunes. The first was a Destiny’s Child song, “Independent Women Part 1,” and the second was “Check On It,” credited solely to Beyoncé, with a guest appearance by Slim Thug. Since then, according to iTunes, I have played “Independent Women” 399 times and “Check On It” 387. I have about 25,000 songs on my computer and play them mostly on shuffle, which means that the songs I’ve played the most are the songs that have been on my computer the longest. But I’ve played “Independent Women” and “Check On It” eight times more than Genesis’s “Carpet Crawlers,” the first song I bought on iTunes, back in 2003, and ten times more than…

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bey versus tay

COST OF SHAKING HER HAND $1,868 (The exchange rate of a £1,265 meet-and greet ticket on her 2009 European tour.) $11.99 and a tremendous amount of luck (The 1.3 million fans who bought 1989 the week of its release were eligible to win one of 500 meet and greets with Swift.) PEAK SELF-AWARENESS The lyric “Of course sometimes shit go down / When it’s a billion dollars on an elevator,” a reference to leaked footage of her sister attacking Jay Z at the Standard hotel The “Blank Space” music video, in which Swift plays a vengeful man-eater CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE LEXICON Bootylicious adj: sexually attractive; voluptuous Surfbort n: a bathtubbased sex act Taylurking n: surveillance of fans’ social-media accounts TRADEMARK VICTORIES/DEFEATS Losing the branding rights of daughter Blue Ivy’s name to a Boston event-planning company Registering lyrics like “This sick beat”; the…