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Esquire March 2016

Esquire is a funny, informative, connected magazine that covers the interests of American men—all the interests of the American man: Politics, style, advice, women, health, eating and drinking, the most interesting people of our time. All that and it’s the most-honored monthly magazine in history.

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access_time4 min.
the cold open

GROWING UP IN ENGLAND, I sometimes heardof relatives who had emigrated: a last and irreversiblethrow of the dice that was simultaneously anexpression of optimism and an act of desperation.So when my wife and I moved to Los Angeles acouple of years ago, that’s how it was perceivedby my family: Geoff and Rebecca were emigrating.Among friends, the reaction was more reasoned—but equally surprised. Whereas I’d always lovednorthern California, I’d never had a good time inL.A., had always found it an impossible place tovisit. More accurately, I’d not been able to find it atall and always returned home feeling that I’d nothad the experience that lay in wait. (Of course, Iknow now, that is the L.A. experience.) But thiswas where our destiny was manifestly taking us.It seemed appropriate in a way, since…

access_time3 min.
read thisstory

It’s so good to have Colbyback in the magazine. Wefirst wrote about ColbyBuzzell in our December2004 issue, after MarkWarren had seen the “Weblog” Colby was writingfrom Iraq, where he hadbeen deployed by theUnited States Army. It wasso good—and so divergentfrom most accounts of thatwar—that the Army shut itdown. So Mark asked himto write for Esquire. Colby had not trod your usual pathtoward becoming a published writer: askateboarder from northern Californiawho’d finished high school and basicallyhad nothing to do. Joined the Army.Which is what we asked him to writeabout—specifically “The Making of theTwenty-First-Century Soldier (Part 1),”which ran in the March 2005 issue of thismagazine. I fell head over heels in love with Colbywhen I read this paragraph from the secondsection of his first story: I had a job interview in the Potrero Hill district…

access_time10 min.
the esq&a hannibal buress

Friday, 1:30, lunch at Dokebi, aKorean restaurant in Brooklyn anda Buressfavorite. SCOTT RAAB: This is Williamsburg? HANNIBAL BURESS: Yeah, this is SR: This is your neighborhood? HB: Yeah. SR: And you make fun of hipsters? HB: When did I make fun of hipsters? SR: I’ve seen you make fun of hipsters inyour stand-up. HB: I was talking about handlebar mustaches.The neighborhood don’t make the person,though. SR: Have you been here long? HB: Seven years. SR: You must like it a lot. HB: I can go anywhere I want, so I like ithere. SR: In reading about you, the line “from cultcomic to mainstream star” comes up a lot.Does it feel like that? HB: Not mainstream star. More peopleknow who I am now—and not necessarilyfrom stand-up. Now I’ve done otherprojects—Broad City, The Eric Andre Show,my show [Why? with Hannibal Buress],Neighbors. Part of my fan base…

access_time1 min.
the dossier: hannibal buress

Date of birth:February 4, 1983 Which makes him:33 Hometown: Chicago Namesake:Hannibal Barca, theCarthaginian militarycommander whospent his life tryingand failing toconquer Rome. Which is the reasonhe: Always usesa different name atStarbucks. And also: Beganintroducing himselfas David aftermoving to a newneighborhood at theage of seven. First time doingstand-up: As a sophomoreat SouthernIllinois University, inthe student-centerbasement. Where he: Studiedcommunicationsbefore dropping out. Number of comedyalbums: Three: MyName Is Hannibal,Animal Furnace, andLive from Chicago. Current comedygigs: Cohost of TheEric Andre Show; therole of Lincoln, thelovelorn dentist, onBroad City; a numberof upcomingfilm projects, includingThe Angry BirdsMovie and TheSecret Life of Pets. Past comedy gigs:Writer on SaturdayNight Live; writeron 30 Rock; host ofWhy? with HannibalBuress. Past noncomedygigs: Pita Pit sandwichmaker; doorto-door newspapersalesman; BurgerKing employee. Reason for quittingthat last one: Hewanted to party onNew Year’s Eve butcouldn’t get NewYear’s Day off. Most famous bit:“Bill Cosby has thefucking smuggestold-black-man publicpersona that Ihate.…

access_time1 min.
what esquire is . . .laughing at

It’s smaller than you imagined. Themain stage where Tina Fey and AmyPoehler deliver their monologue, sixor so sets, the platform where Bruceplays “Meet Me in the City,” all shroudedby 330 people who were led hereby a pert page up the stairs, past wallscovered with mute LED specters ofsketches past. Watching SaturdayNight Live live is at once more and lessfun than watching at home, the giddinessof seeing Lorne Michaels dourlypacing Studio 8H tempered by thecommercial-break professionalism ofperformers you suddenly realize areat their job. You witness an ancient institutionthat will be entirely rebuiltnext Saturday. E-mail contact info tosnltickets@nbcuni.com in August fortickets.…

access_time7 min.
the 17th annual alternative oscars

THE LATTER-DAY AL PACINO AWARD FOR RANDOM SHOUTING Eddie Redmayne as an immortal space dictator, Jupiter Ascending. THE LATTER-DAY AL PACINO AWARD FOR RANDOM SHOUTING (RUNNER-UP) Al Pacino as old Al Pacino, Danny Collins. BEST ARGUMENT FOR GMOs That the only side effect of Channing Tatum being the product of human-wolf gene splicing in space epic Jupiter Ascending is pointy ears. IN A TROUBLED TIME, DESPITE OUR SOMETIMES BITTER DIVISIONS, WHAT WE SHARE AS A PEOPLE AND WHAT DEFINES US AS A NATION Michael Keaton UNLIKELIEST BODY PART OF DAKOTA JOHNSON’S TO HAVE TAKEN THE MOST ABUSE IN FIFTY SHADES OF GREY Johnson’s lower lip, which she bites 45 times during the S&M film. MAYBE EMMA STONE WASN’T SO UNBELIEVABLE AS AN ASIAN WOMAN IN ALOHA Chris Hemsworth as a hacker, Blackhat. MOST EFFORTLESS SEXUAL CHEMISTRY Chris Pratt and the dinosaurs he conjured…