Viz

□ THERE seems to be a lot of criticism lately aimed at Elon Musk for being a twat, most of it quite justified. But let’s not forget that his Falcon 9 rockets that actually land back on earth are right out of fucking Thunderbirds. Admittedly, he’s a complete bellend in every other sphere of endeavour, but credit where it’s due, his rockets are absolutely shit hot. Tobamory Belch, Luton □ I OFTEN wonder what people who have a beard of bees do when they want a cup of tea. Do they simply brush a few bees away from their lips in order to take a sip, do they lure them away by putting a bit of honey on their chin, or do they use a straw? Hector Bystander, Goole □…

CONVINCE regulars in your local that you are a candidate in a general election by getting your wife to film you gingerly sipping a pint, whilst you are wearing a massive rosette. Kevin Caswell-Jones, Gresford PEOPLE who live in glass houses. Use 9mm MDF or plywood to board up your walls so that stones simply bounce off, and passers-by can’t see you on your toilet wiping your arse. Trev, Sheffield. CONSTIPATED? Simply order something from a firm who can’t give you an exact delivery time. On delivery day, the urge to shit will build up, and you will pass your first stool just as the doorbell rings. Percy Pinchloaf, Yorkshire SAVE on electricity bills by boiling pasta for slightly less than the recommended time. Al Dente, Italy FOOL your prostate examination…

□ I WILL always remember the solemn expression worn by Huw Edwards as normal television broadcasting was interrupted for him to break the news that Her Majesty had passed on; the nation was stunned. But does anyone know whether the reds or the blues won that episode of Bargain Hunt, and how much did the silver cigarette box fetch in the auction? Irene Fisticuffs, Guildford □ I RECORDED Inside the Factory as I wanted to see how crumpets were made, but only stuck it for five minutes because I couldn’t bear to watch Gregg Wallace’s overenthusiastic gurning. Can anyone tell me how crumpets are made? Eldon Furse, email…

IN ISSUE 265, the Viz jury deliberated on the case of the Crown v Rees-Mogg, in which the MP for Somerset North was accused of removing a 25p reduced price sticker from a pack of four jam doughnuts in the Marks and Spencer food hall, and knowingly placing it over the barcode of a bottle of Krug Champagne with intent to defraud the shop. By a majority verdict of 48 to 52, the Viz jury finds the defendant NOT GUILTY of the charge. Mr Rees-Mogg is free to leave the pages of Viz Comic without a stain on his character.…

The Duke of Ellington Awards Scheme is all about giving our young people the opportunity to do something new and perform their best, no matter what their age, background or ability. So if you want to belt out some boogie-woogie on the piano whilst orienteering, or play some more relaxed jazz standards whilst organising a fundraising event for your local community, the Duke of Ellington Awards Scheme could be just the thing for you. “My son was extremely introverted, but he made so many friends after attending a DoE weekend course in the Yorkshire dales where they planted a woodland whilst singing improvised scat. He has grown in confidence and later this year will be doing some modern jazz rock climbing in the Peak District.”Mr J, Durham “My daughter earned…

WE’RE all scared of monsters, every single one of us, and anyone who says they are not is a complete and absolute fucking lying bastard. And that goes for the self-styled ‘Monsters of Rock’, those titans of the heavy music scene. On stage, they boldly thrash out their heavy metal and fearlessly thump out their beats like they are frightened of nothing in the world. But backstage, when the roadies have packed up and the fans have gone home, they’re just as terrified as the rest of us. We asked some of the Monsters of Rock which monsters (not of rock) they were particularly scared of… Ozzy Osbourne, Black Sabbath frontman “I ONCE bit the head off a bat on stage, which you may think was an unusual thing to…