New Zealand Listener Issue 22, 2022

At the most recent United Nations Conference on Climate Change (COP26), we were told that “coal was being consigned to history”. But here in “clean, green” Aotearoa we keep burning the stuff like crazy: based on the latest available data (from 2018), our gross carbon emissions ranked 24th among the “developed” countries and our emissions per person were the sixth highest in the world per capita. Our first Emissions Reduction Plan is out, and the government has allocated money in the Budget to help businesses ditch fossil fuels. But it’s not happening fast enough. Our largest company, Fonterra, uses about 500,000 tonnes of coal each year across many of its manufacturing sites to turn liquid milk into powder. This produces more than one million tonnes of CO2, which, according to respected scientific…

WINNING CAPTION Rex McGregor, Auckland FINALISTS Caption: Elon Musk claims no responsibility for his self-drive Tesla’s failure to recognise a no-parking zone. – Paul Kelly, Palmerston North Maye Musk: “He’s not the Messiah, he’s just a very wealthy little boy!” – Paul Kelly, Palmerston North Caption: Critics fear the kiss of death for the future of Twitter employees. – Hans Zindel, Palmerston North Elon Musk: [singing] “If I were a rich man …!” – Mike Hamblyn, Dunedin Caption: Kiss my what? Elon Musk’s gesture is unclear as he greets the media at the Met Gala. – Kate Highfield, Hastings Musk: “How could I not succeed when Mum has been such a super model for me!” – Marie Curran, Dunedin Caption Competition {listenercaption@aremedia.co.nz} TO ENTER Send your captions for the photo at right to listenercaption@aremedia.co.nz, with “Caption Competition No 462” in the…

What is in the machinations of our infantile Silicon Valley moguls that hasn’t been reviewed ever since Huxley hinted at them in his 1930s Brave New World? “The transhuman condition” (May 21) reveals clearly the banality and repetitiveness of this low-grade futurism. That is one of its ugly features. There is another. It adds up to a moral and ethical zero. Nor is there anything of humanity in it, despite posturings that it’s all being done for the good of the species. Robots, artificial wombs and algorithm “brains” do not add up to life, but to nullity. Transhumanism fails to approach even the miracle existent in the most humble roadside weed, much less that of human consciousness and the biosphere as a whole. It’s a pity we have to drag up the misguided Victor…

“Sometimes less is more. But not this time.”– Spinoff editor Madeleine Chapman on Simon Henry’s apology to Nadia Lim“I’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling Twitter and not only am I sleeping really well, but I also think I’m better than everyone.”– Seen on Twitter“North Korea reported its first coronavirus outbreak today and ordered all cities to enter a lockdown, or as they call it, ‘business as usual’.”– Seth Myers“Did it hurt? When I told you to google it and I was right.”– Seen on Twitter“It’s almost feels like maybe we shouldn’t have let the host of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ pick three Supreme Court justices, you know?”– Jimmy Kimmel“You will always remember what you were doing when it hurt the most.”– Ocean Vuong, Night Sky with Exit Wounds“To travel is…

1. Which Jennifer starred in the films Bruce Almighty, We’re the Millers, and Marley & Me? ❑ Lopez❑ Connelly❑ Garner❑ Aniston 2. Which of these best defines the word picadillo? ❑ Woodwind instrument❑ Miniature cigar❑ Latin-American dish❑ Minor sin 3. In 1997, which country’s economy collapsed due to the failures of multiple pyramid schemes? ❑ Turkey❑ Albania❑ Philippines❑ Nepal 4. Who memorably said, “… there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say, we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns – the ones we don’t know we don’t know”? ❑ Tina Fey❑ Donald Rumsfeld❑ Dr Seuss❑ Jerry Seinfeld 5. Spectacled, sun and sloth are all species of what kind of animal? ❑ Monkey❑ Vulture❑ Tortoise❑ Bear 6. Which of…

Some years ago, I found myself backstage at a Paris fashion show talking to the designer Jean Paul Gaultier. He kept telling me how much he loved London. “It’s wonderful!” he exclaimed. It’s always nice to hear your home town praised, but I was intrigued about what in particular he liked about it. “I love ze fat people everywhere, and zay are so happy. In Paris, zay are not allowed out on the streets!” He was joking, of course, but only slightly. In Paris, almost everyone looks like they live on Perrier and Gitanes, whereas in London, the diversity on which the city prides itself very definitely includes waist size. Yet behind the understanding that we ought to celebrate different sizes and lifestyles is a growing problem of obesity. Britain has the highest…