Table of contents for October 2018 in Reader's Digest

FOR ALMOST 100 YEARS, Reader’s Digest’s editorial philosophy has boiled down to eight words: This is your magazine. We just work here. No other editor’s job is built so completely on communion with readers. You not only pay the magazine’s bills, but you also write a lot of its jokes, contribute many of its stories, and tell us through your feedback, in not so many words, what we should curate and what we should leave aside. Even big changes we make rely on your guidance. Next issue’s bold new look, for example— What????!!!! You are changing RD?!?! Yes, we are changing your magazine, gently, starting in November. And I’m confident you’ll be fine with the result. For starters, the pages will carry a fresh, classic design. The shifts will religiously follow…

A FRANTIC CALL came into Jimmy Gilleece’s bar this past March. A newly married woman who had spent the afternoon at the dive beach bar in Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina, couldn’t find her wallet. She didn’t care about her ID, credit cards, or $150 in cash—but her wedding ring was tucked inside. Gilleece, 42, didn’t like the idea that a theft could have occurred at his place, Jimmy’s at Red Dogs. So he set out to find the wallet. He spent hours scouring footage from 16 different surveillance cameras, watching the woman’s every step in the bar until she went to sit on a bench outside and left when her ride arrived. Within minutes, a young man in a hoodie approached the bench, shoved something in his pocket, and walked…

No, it did not. In his ruling in January 2017, Judge Leo E. Green Jr. explained that “by being able to mandate a specific mailbox, the board could mandate other things.” He considered this to be a slippery slope. “What if the board decided tomorrow that the homeowners all needed slate roofs that cost $50,000?” asked the Strongs’ attorney, Matthew Skipper. The judge ruled the mailbox regulation “null and void.” Strong didn’t have to pay the $1,600 in noncompliance fines. He did, however, have to pay his own $33,000 legal fee—roughly the cost of 66 of those cast-aluminum mailboxes—plus his fraction of the opposing attorney’s fees, which were paid out of HOA dues. “A lot of people have said congratulations for standing up for us,” Strong told fox5dc.com. “Some people…

WHEN THE BOX with my Halloween costume arrived, it was empty. I called the company and asked where my Maid Marian costume was. “We’re sorry, ma’am. We’ll send your costume tomorrow,” the representative said. “In the meantime, feel free to keep the Lady Godiva costume you got by mistake.” KAREN ATANASOFF, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania WHOEVER SAID “Don’t bite off more than you can chew” has never been to a buffet with my family. @ATSUKOCOMEDY (ATSUKO OKATSUKA) AS MY WIFE AND I prepared for our garage sale, I came across a painting. Looking at the back, I discovered that I had written “To my beautiful wife on our fifth anniversary. I love you … Keith.” Feeling nostalgic about a gift I’d given her 25 years earlier, I showed it to her, thinking we…

PAT PATTERSON, A PILOT FOR 25 YEARS, had never met anyone like the jut-jawed young man in the wheelchair who faced him at the Medford, Oregon, airport on July 28, 1976. Mike Henderson, a quadriplegic, wanted flying lessons. Patterson’s eyes flickered over Henderson’s limbs. His legs could never operate the rudder pedals. How was he to maneuver over a ton of airplane? Henderson’s hands worried the instructor most—his fingers were all but inert. It was impossible, Patterson thought. Then what stopped him from saying so? Maybe it was the young man’s obvious determination, his look of urgent desire. “When I saw him go through that much pain, I knew nothing could stop him.” Something inside the bluff and blocky flight instructor stirred in response. “Perhaps I can teach you,” he…

The Best Advice I Ever Got As a stressed-out college freshman, I was having trouble with the work, so I went to my professor’s office. He had a rough reputation, but I needed help. As he was trying to explain the graphs, I muttered that I was stupid for not getting it, to which he gently replied, “Don’t say that. You’re not stupid. You’re just new at this.” I think about that line all the time, and he became one of my favorite professors. REBECCA PFEFFER, Allentown, Pennsylvania I would like to see a follow-up article entitled “The Worst Advice I Ever Got.” Think: “I know the road looks flooded, but you can make it!” or “Get married even if you are having second thoughts; it’s too late to call off…

THE BAD GUYS My son was almost five when we took a trip to the post office. As I filled out my return receipt form, my son looked around at the many people in line. I noticed him staring at the pictures on the wall. “Who are those people on the wall?” he asked. I explained to him they were bad people that the police were searching for. My son looked up at me with the sweetest face and asked, “Then why didn’t they keep them when they took their pictures?” I was without words. KITT SWANSON, Land O’ Lakes, Florida STRANGER LOVE One month after we moved to the United States from halfway around the globe, I drove to Dulles International Airport in Washington, DC, with my wife to pick…

In honor of National Boss’s Day (October 16), here are actual quotes from the men and women who hold our careers in their hands: “Am I the only one around here with half a brain?!” “I know your performance review is due today, but let’s wait until tomorrow. I’m not in the mood for all that negativity.” “I think you prefer your idea just because it’s better than mine.” “We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.” “It has come to my attention that your salary is well below the industry average. Therefore I am changing your title.” “OK, you bunch of crybabies, what’s this I hear about poor morale?” SOURCE: INC.COM…

TOURISTS at a natural history museum are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks a guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?” The guard replies, “They are 65,000,011 years old.” “That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?” The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were 65,000,000 years old when I started working here, and that was 11 years ago.” Source: haha.cafe “ADAM AND EVE: the first people not to read the Apple Terms and Conditions.” Church sign, via Planet Proctor newsletter TWO DOG OWNERS are arguing about whose pet is smarter. “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame-seed bagel with…

AS A CHILD, I WAS AN EASY MARK for playground torments: smart, insufferably rule-abiding, decidedly unpretty. The tormentor I remember most distinctly was not my first bully, nor my last, but his attacks would turn others into footnotes. He was in my class for years. In class photos, his face is round and almost cherubic, but I remember it contorted in anger as he spat insults at me, telling me to shut up, flailing his hands against his chest and moaning—an approximation of what he said I sounded like. We were seated next to each other year after year, and when I finally complained about this arrangement, one of my teachers said that maybe I’d be “a good influence on him.” It didn’t work. His mom was also my softball…

Benjamin Franklin AN ODD MORNING RITUAL Author, inventor, diplomat, and scientist Benjamin Franklin (1706–1790) swore by air baths. Before he started his workday, Franklin would sit without any clothes on for up to an hour in front of an open window on the first floor of his building. He wrote that the shock of cold water was too violent for him and it was more agreeable for him to bathe in cold air. Franklin would either read or write during his “bath.” Diane von Furstenberg TREASURE FROM DAD Fashion designer and icon Diane von Furstenberg (1946–) tapes a gold 20-franc coin in her shoe for good luck before every runway show. Her father hid the coin in his shoe during World War II and gave it to her when she…

EVERY FOSSIL is a small miracle. Only an estimated one bone in a billion gets fossilized—preserved for thousands, even millions of years—as Bill Bryson notes in A Short History of Nearly Everything. By that calculation, the 327-odd million people alive in the United States today will leave a fossil legacy of only 67 or so bones. That’s a little over a quarter of one human skeleton. According to scientists who specialize in taphonomy (the study of what happens after an organism dies), fossilization is so unlikely that fewer than one tenth of one percent of all animal species have ever survived in a fossilized state. Only a handful, such as the well-known female skeleton Lucy, have been discovered. If you’re determined to increase the chances that your humani corporis makes…

We thought we had hit it out of the park when we noted that phrases from baseball were more celebrated than lingo from any other sport, but many readers balked: I’m champing at the bit to prove that horse-racing idioms beat baseball idioms, not by a whisker or a nose but by a mile. Right out of the gate, the fastest two minutes in sports would prove in the homestretch that we have a winner. No one can say that’s lame. Ready to place your bets? —Jeanne Agner RICHMOND, VERMONT I had to come out swinging with boxing phrases. No way would I take a dive or throw in the towel; I’m no lightweight. I just have to roll with the punches so I won’t be down for the count.…

Pineapple Core When you carve out the core of a pineapple, don’t throw it in the garbage. “Pineapples contain bromelain, an enzyme that can reduce nasal and sinus inflammation, mitigate arthritis and muscle pain, and potentially fight cancer,” says Lauren Popeck, RD. Chop and add the core to fruit salads, slaws, chutneys, salsas, or stir-fries; blend it into smoothies; or toss it into water, tea, sangria, or even marinades to enhance flavor. Kiwi Skin If you never thought you could eat a kiwi as you would a peach, think again. That skin is, in fact, really good for you. “Kiwi skin has more fiber than the rest of the fruit,” says Kelly R. Jones, MS, RD. “Preserve vitamin C by not peeling kiwi before you store it, since vitamin C…

How to Live Longer To test the assumption that a healthy lifestyle really adds years to your life, researchers devised a simple study. They looked at the life span of more than 123,000 Americans and then checked to see who had stuck with these five daily habits: eating well, exercising regularly, maintaining a healthy weight, avoiding smoking, and drinking in moderation. Sure enough, the folks who followed all five lived longer, but even the researchers were astonished by how much longer. Women at age 50 who followed all five healthy habits lived 43 more years on average, compared with 29 years for women who didn’t follow any of them. Men who maintained all the habits lived an additional 38 years beyond 50, compared with 26 years for those who didn’t.…

There once was a lady named FerrisWhom nothing could ever embarrass.Till the bath salts one day,In the tub where she lay,Turned out to be plaster of paris. A magazine writer named BingCould make copy from most anything,But the copy he wroteOf a ten-dollar noteWas so good he now lives in Sing Sing. There once was a runner named DwightWho could speed even faster than light.He set out one day In a relative wayAnd returned on the previous night. A forgetful old gasman named Dieter,Who went poking around his gas heater,Touched a leak with his light; He blew out of sight—And, as everyone who knows anything about poetry can tell you, he also ruined the meter. SOURCE: RD.COM…

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out. @SLIMMY_SHADY The only way I’d be scared of a ghost is if one was coming at me wearing a fitted sheet that I thought I’d have to fold. @PLOCKWOOD65 “I’m not really a big dog person.”—lying werewolf @PATBRENCLASSIC What do you call a group of really tidy witches? A self-cleaning coven. @RHEABUTCHER I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula. I just want to know who’s winning. @KIMMYMONTE Every time someone says “I’m aware,” I always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf.” @THEMILTRON…

1. fiasco (fee-'a-skoh) n.—A: rowdy celebration. B: complete failure. C: big fire. 2. al dente (all-'den-tay) adj.—A: seasoned with salt. B: eaten outdoors. C: cooked until firm. 3. incognito (in-kog-'nee-toh) adv.—A: well traveled. B: excessively complex. C: with a concealed identity. 4. vendetta (ven-'deh-tuh) n.—A: layered cake. B: blood feud. C: sales booth. 5. patina (puh-'tee-nuh) n.—A: high priest. B: lawn bowling. C: sheen produced by age. 6. dilettante ('dih-luh-tahnt) n.—A: coffee cup. B: dabbler. C: secret note. 7. belvedere ('bel-vuh-deer) n.—A: head butler. B: set of chimes. C: structure with a view. 8. cameo ('ka-mee-oh) n.—A: small role. B: almond cookie. C: sofa bed. 9. sotto voce ('sah-toh 'voh-chee) adv.—A: under one’s breath. B: drunkenly. C: in the open. 10. bravura (bruh-'vyur-ah) n.—A: encore. B: battle cry. C: display…

Helping is easy. Being helped takes strength.DAVE HOLMES, writer I’VE LEARNED SO MUCH FROM MY MOTHER, STARTING WITH THE FACT THAT THE WORLD’S A NICER, HAPPIER PLACE IF EVERYBODY HAS A SANDWICH.MELISSA MCCARTHY, actor I’VE BEEN IN THE PROCESS OF RETIRING FOR THE LAST 30 YEARS.JESSICA LANGE, actor THERE’S GREAT EVERY KIND OF MUSIC JUST LIKE THERE’S GREAT EVERY KIND OF LIQUOR.DAVE MATTHEWS, musician You can’t talk your way out of a situation you behaved your way into.ANTHONY D’ANGELO, national chair of the Public Relations Society of America If you want to bring people around to your way of thinking, you need to first show them that you are open to theirs.JUSTIN TRUDEAU, Canadian prime minister…