Содержание выпуска: March 2017 — NEXT

One Monday morning many years ago I bounded into work feeling on top of the world. It was summer, the weather was great, and I’d been at one of New Zealand’s most spectacular beaches trying to catch some waves on a surfboard. But when I regaled a colleague about my weekend I was stopped short by her reply: “Surfing? With your skin? Are you mad?!?!” You see, I have freckles. Lots of them. Hundreds, maybe thousands. When I was a kid I tried to remove them with Superfade cream, but it didn’t work, so I learned to live with them. But when this colleague reacted the way she did, I started to doubt myself again. Maybe I wasn’t entitled to a day at the beach, for beauty’s sake. So I…

THE BAG: Michael Kors Ava small studded leather satchel, $540, by T Galleria DFS ELIZABETH ARDEN EIGHT HOUR CREAM SKINCARE COLLECTION Skin Protectant, 50g, $35; Miracle Hydrating Mist, 100ml, $41; All-Over Miracle Oil, 100ml, $59; Skin Protectant Nighttime Miracle Moisturizer, 45g, $61; Intensive Daily Moisturizer for Face SPF 15, 50ml, $59; Sun Defense for Face SPF 50 Sunscreen, 50ml, $43; Targeted Sun Defense Stick SPF 50, $39; Intensive Moisturizing Hand Treatment, 75ml, $41; Intensive Moisturizing Body Treatment 200ml, $52; Nourishing Lip Balm SPF 20, 15ml, $41; Lip Protectant Stick Sheer Tint SPF 15 in Berry, $41. To be in to win this Michael Kors bag, plus its luxury contents, simply send an envelope marked ‘Michael Kors’ with your name, address and phone number to: Your NEXT Bag, Response Bag 500273,…

My last supper meal would be… salmon, asparagus and roast vegetables, with crème caramel for dessert. The book that changed my life was… George Speaks by Dick King-Smith. It was the first book I read as a child that I loved and it got me hooked on books. Top of my bucket list is… to see the Northern Lights. The movie I’ve watched the most in my life is… The Railway Children. It was my favourite as a child and I’d watch it whenever I went to my best friend’s house (at least once a month). I’m sure I’ve seen it over 20 times. We caught up recently and decided we should watch it again to see what we make of it now; I’m a bit scared it won’t…

Whether it’s a family issue, a health concern or a career crisis, women are experts at brushing off all manner of worries with two little words: ‘I’m fine’. So NEXT deputy editor Emma Clifton invited a group of women to gather for lunch, laughter and candid chatter on the sort of topics we all think about but often sweep aside. Over rosé and platters at a central Auckland restaurant, NEXT writers Nicky Pellegrino, Kylie Bailey, Deborah Hill Cone and lifestyle coach Sarah Laurie covered everything from social media and parenting pressures, to navigating menopause and negotiating a pay rise. While the opinions sometimes differed, the consensus was the same: these are issues all modern women face, and usually keep to ourselves – but we shouldn’t be afraid of starting a…

‘We talked about children quite a lot but we waited until it was the right time for us. I know I’m lucky’ Sue* was just 22 when she was treated for endometriosis and mild polycystic ovaries. She always knew the condition might impact on her desire to have children but she wasn’t prepared to rush into having a baby. Fast-forward five years and she was undergoing a routine check-up at Family Planning. “I was shocked to be told if I wanted a child, I needed to start thinking about getting pregnant as soon as possible,” recalls Sue. “That’s when I first experienced the kind of societal pressure around the whole idea of ‘make sure you have a baby early and don’t get too old.’” Instead, Sue waited until 35 to…

I’ve always been a bit prudirsh. Not prissy, not puritanical – I’m no Victorian lady – but just a little restrained. Certainly I’m not an obvious candidate for a Tantra workshop. But as a member of the Ace Lady Network, a women’s discussion group that holds monthly events, I sign up for ‘Touch that feels like WOW: a Tantra-inspired workshop’. I don’t know much about Tantra beyond biomechanically improbable sexual contortions, and rumoured salacious accounts of Sting’s seven-hour Tantric-sex sessions, but this has been advertised as a ‘PG, non-seedy’ workshop. And as the tired mother of a toddler, I could probably do with some inspiration in this department. Arriving at the workshop, I find facilitator Caitlyn Cook sitting cross-legged in a maxi dress, legs unshaved, exuding calmness. The 28-year-old Kiwi,…

Kiehl’s Midnight Recovery Concentrate , $98, is a divine oil that you massage into your face after cleansing at night. By morning, skin will appear radiant and well-rested no matter how many hours sleep you’ve had. Lancôme Absolue Precious Cells Intense Revitalising Eye Cream , $224, has rose centifolia extract with pro-xylane to combat fine lines and make this delicate area appear more youthful. Environ is launching its new Skin EssentiA range, from $69, which includes its step-up system of moisturisers that get progressively higher in vitamin A. They’re also formulated with vitamin C, peptides and antioxidants to really feed skin cells with important nutrients to maintain healthy turnover and renewal. Once a week, give tired eyes a boost with Estée Lauder Advanced Night Repair Concentrated Recovery Eye Mask ,…

Just in time for her alluring new winter scent, Runaway, to hit stores we asked New Zealand icon Karen Walker to let us in on the inspiration behind the perfume. Define what perfume is to you? It’s an expression of my mood. I designed my ABC range to fit with different moods. A is my happiness potion; it lifts my spirits and makes any tension drop away. B is for my mental energy and for evening I can’t go past C as it’s rich and feminine. Lately I’ve been wearing my new fragrance, Runaway, most days. I love its woodiness, complexity and masculinity. What does your Runaway fragrance express? A sense of adventure. Runaway is a midnight journey deep into the forest; you can sense the pine needles crushing underfoot,…

Eat younger TRY FASTING Cutting calories for a few days a week could help protect your body against ageing. Last year, researchers at the University of Florida found fasting on alternate days boosted the human cells related to anti-ageing. Dr Michelle Harvie, from the Genesis Breast Cancer Prevention Centre, says “Eating more than your body needs ages you prematurely, as overfed cells become dysfunctional. There’s evidence that restricting calories helps to reverse the cycle of damage and regenerate healthy cells.” GO MEDITERRANEAN A diet based around fruit and vegetables, wholegrains, nuts, seeds, beans and olive oil may do more than help to protect your heart and reduce cancer risk. A Mediterranean diet may also slow the rate at which the brain shrinks and help you to live longer. In a…

When it comes to living with menopause, many New Zealand women may be suffering unnecessarily due to misleading info around treatment, says a Christchurch-based specialist. Dr Anna Fenton says that while some women have negative perceptions about hormone replacement therapy (HRT), recent studies have shown it to be one of the best ways to alleviate the hot flushes, sleep problems and other symptoms that go along with menopause. “I think unfortunately the public have become more anxious than they need to be about HRT,” says Fenton. “For women in their 30s, 40s or 50s who have menopause symptoms, every major scientific society now accepts the benefits exceed the risk in that group.” Fenton says women over 65 may have an increased risk of blood clots and stroke associated with taking…

Cauliflower & walnut tabbouleh Prep time: 20 minutes .1 small head cauliflower, cut into florets 2 roma tomatoes, diced 1 Lebanese cucumber, diced 2 spring onions, thinly sliced . 1 cup flat-leaf parsley leaves, chopped 3 Tbsp chopped mint 1 cup walnuts, chopped Sea salt and ground pepper Dressing 3 Tbsp olive oil .Finely grated zest and juice of 1 lemon Sea salt 1 Steam the cauliflower florets for 10 minutes, or until tender but still a little crisp. Cool the cauliflower completely. Pulse the cauliflower in a food processor to the consistency of fine breadcrumbs. 2 Tip the cauliflower into a mixing bowl. Add the tomato, cucumber, spring onion, parsley, mint and walnuts. Season with salt and pepper to taste. 3 To make the dressing, whisk together all the…

Get thee to a lodge Holy moly... you can now stay in a nunnery without swearing off men! Originally a convent and then a B&B, the newly opened Marlborough Lodge has 10 suites, in-house kitchen staff, a vineyard, a pool and tennis courts. With four hectares of land to explore and only 10 minutes from Blenheim, it’s the perfect place for a weekend getaway. www.themarlboroughlodge.co.nz GROWN-UP GEAR Who says backpacks are just for kids? Travel smart on your next trip with a backpack from Elephant Stripes. With patterns like the Geometric Explorer Daypack, $42, pictured, you’ll look chic – and have somewhere to stash your water bottle. www.elephantstripes.co.nz Revisit the magic The love affair with Harry Potter goes on and on... now a café has opened in Singapore dedicated to…

Nature’s Sunshine Liver Cleanse Formula contains a blend of herbs to cleanse, nourish and detoxify the liver. This powerful formula provides support against oxidative damage while aiding digestion. Alcohol, medication, pollutants and infections can cause damage to the liver, that’s why keeping the liver healthy is vital. RRP $34.50. Available from health stores. Visit www.naturessunshine.co.nz Remove makeup, cleanse and tone naturally in one simple step with Burt’s Bees Facial Cleansing Towelettes. The wipes are made with FSC-certified cloth and infused with natural ingredients. Available in Pink Grapefruit, Cucumber & Sage, White Tea, Peach & Willowbark or Sensitive from pharmacies, health and department stores or call 0508 734 466 for stockists. RRP from $11.95. Nood’s Boulevard collection is magnificently modern, yet brings the retro to your home. Featuring a blend of…

Mess is sexy. Kate Moss will always be hotter than the Duchess of Cambridge Being in very tidy places – Japan was weird – makes me want to go hog-wild and muck everything up. I exult in a certain level of chaos If I glance around, where I am sitting right now on my shabby purple velvet couch, this is what I see: A wobbly pile of 27 books, with brainier looking ones on the top to impress visitors, then there is Sidney the Burmese cat, his collar frayed, a Lego dragon, a pair of discarded Star Wars pyjama bottoms, a strawberry-flavoured Smiggle pen, a lump of Blu-Tac, Mum’s swear jar (full), a candle which says “If you’re going to get in trouble do it at the Chateau Marmont”, a…

Anyone who walked in on our cover shoot with Kiwi TV and radio host Bernadine Oliver-Kerby would find it hard to believe the busy mum gets by on just four hours’ sleep a night. Her boundless energy and cheerful enthusiasm made her a joy to have in the studio, and she was a dream to dress, loving all the options stylist Sonia picked out for her. We’ll have what she’s having.…

If many mums took the same care with their own health as they do with their children, they’d be a lot healthier It’s still pretty painful for me to remember the weeks after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I felt lost and broken, but my family were amazing. Like clockwork, they stepped in to drive me to medical appointments, cook for me, make me laugh or just be there if I fell apart. I was also humbled and moved by the huge number of people who contacted me, many of whom have had or have cancer. People I knew and people I didn’t know. They gave me health tips and referred me to books, websites, diets, and therapies. I tried lots of things, even if occasionally I was told…

As a 31-year-old single woman, I’m well aware I need to be paying attention to the state of my ovaries but don’t know where to start. Dr Mary Birdsall, from Fertility Associates, sees between two and three 30-something women a day in the same boat. “Knowledge is power,” she says. “There are choices you can make outside of sitting back and waiting for Mr Right to come along.” Amen! THE CHAT After ticking off my overall good health, we look at other fertility factors. I’ve never smoked, which is good, as this can send you into menopause 18 months earlier than normal. My parents never smoked; also good, as if your dad smoked, it can bring your menopause on two years earlier. My mum went into menopause in her mid-50s,…

When you work in fashion and beauty, good looks help, which is why I’ve come to rely on fillers and Botox NAOMI ISTED Naomi, 37, is a fashion blogger and presenter. She lives with husband Haydn, 43, a company director, and their two children: Fleur, seven; and Rocco, 18 months. I can’t pretend it didn’t hurt, but it was worth the few seconds of agony. Having filler injected into the top and tip of my nose altered the illusion of its proportions. Suddenly my least favourite feature, which I had always regarded as too long and too thin, looked straighter and smaller. I was thrilled. When you work in the fashion and beauty industry, good looks definitely help, which is why I’ve come to rely on fillers and Botox. Since…

‘The first half of my life I trusted data and knowledge. The second half of my life is about trusting intuition’ Dr Neha Sangwan is animatedly sharing her latest leap of faith – leaving behind family, friends and a well-established medical practice in San Francisco to follow her gut instinct and move to Boston. Where, incidentally, she hardly knows anyone. “I had been to a great conference, met some inspiring people and was really interested in what was going on here,” she recalls. As she was leaving the conference, she noticed a beautiful, turn-of-the-century apartment block across the street. A ‘For Lease’ sign in the window caught Sangwan’s eye. “I went to look at the apartment and, as soon as I stepped inside, my heart said, ‘This is home and…

Pear Tip A dress with a waist balances out your top and bottom half, and a statement necklace draws the eyes up Square Tip Go for nipped-in tops, sweaters and jackets and create interest with prints Rectangle Tip Flatter curves with scoop necks and define your waist to create an hourglass shape Inverted triangle Tip Clever tailoring teamed with an A-line cut will balance the figure…

SPRAY & WALK AWAY Think of a setting spray like the topcoat to your makeup. Like hairspray for the face, a mist of this should be your last step before leaving the house. Depending on the formula you choose, some help to hydrate skin while others will even keep you cool on balmy days. Try: Urban Decay Chill Cooling and Hydrating Makeup Setting Spray, $54 . THE EYES HAVE IT Not only does an eye primer make your eyeshadow go on smooth and vibrant, it also helps it last all day. Our eyelids can get quite oily so a primer helps prevent creasing and your shadow from fading throughout the day or night. It can even be used underneath the eyes to help prevent your concealer from creasing! Try: Benefit…

If you’ve been flirting with the idea of cutting a fringe, now is the time to do it. The fringe is in and it’s not just one type that’s in favour. Make it work to suit your face shape, but if you’re not ready to fully commit, consider the gringe (grown-out fringe) as a great starting point. The longer lengths blend in with hair framing the face, plus it’s easy to clip back. Danny Pato, creative director of D&M salon in Auckland, says you don’t need to change your whole haircut to add a fringe. “Long, short, sweepy or wispy – fringes are making a comeback.” Jen Morgan, owner of Morgan & Morgan, Auckland, agrees. “There’s a bit of a 70s inspiration, particularly with long hair. Think Pamela Courson or…

HOT OFF THE PRESS Prick With A Fork, Larissa Dubecki Allen & Unwin, $25 If I order medium-rare steak at a restaurant and it comes out well done, I never send it back. A friend who worked as a waitress once told me exactly what kitchen staff are tempted to do to food returned by diners. Dubecki’s account of her 10 years as the world’s worst waitress has done nothing to change my mind. A tale containing everything from psychopathic chefs to hostile customers who arrive like The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Someone Is Watching, Joy Fielding Bonnier, $33 A successful private detective becomes the victim of a vicious rape while she is running surveillance on a case. She takes time off from work to deal with…

Adairs www.adairs.co.nz Beau Coops www.beaucoops.co.nz Carlson www.tanyacarlson.com Cathy Pope www.cathypope.co.nz Charmaine Reveley www.charmainereveley.co.nz Colette by Colette Hayman www.colettehayman.com.au Country Road www.countryroad.com.au Cue www.cue.cc Day Birger et Mikkelsen www.day.dk/eu/en Deadly Ponies www.deadlyponies.com Elle Macpherson www.bendonlingerie.co.nz Flash Jewellery www.flashjewellery.co.nz Freedom Furniture www.freedomfurniture.co.nz Gregory www.gregory.net.nz Harry & Co www.harryandco.co.nz Heidi Klum Intimates www.heidiklumintimates.com Helen Cherry www.workshop.co.nz Karen Walker www.karenwalker.com Kate Sylvester www.katesylvester.com Kathryn Wilson www.kathrynwilson.com Kiri Nathan www.kirinathan.com Kowtow www.kowtowclothing.com Levi’s www.levis.com.au Liam www.rubynz.com Liann Bellis www.liannbellis.co.nz Lovisa www.lovisa.com.au Marle www.marle.co.nz Merchant www.merchant1948.co.nz Mi Piaci www.mipiaci.co.nz Mocka www.mocka.co.nz Pearl www.pearlculture.co.nz Penny Sage www.pennysage.com Pleasure State www.pleasurestate.co.nz Plowman Collective…

My longer-divorced self wants to warn Brownie that the Perfect-Lingerie-Buying Male is an urban myth “The ground floor of my building has been empty for a year. Twenty years ago, this was the neighbourhood where underground clubs sprang up and artists hung their work on peeling walls. Now it’s the stomping ground of the rich. Retail space is at a premium, and my neighbours and I – relics from rent-controlled days – have been waiting curiously to see what will happen next. Monday afternoon, and I arrive home to see clothes rails being unloaded from a removal van. Hooray! At least it won’t be yet another Scandinavian concept store selling eye-wateringly expensive hand-knitted socks and spinning ironic ABBA remixes on a retro turntable while serving latte macchiatos out of jam…

GOOD ON PAULA It was refreshing to learn more about Deputy PM Paula Bennett, in her own words, without the media bias we’re often subjected to. I was pleasantly surprised to find myself having new-found respect for who she is. It takes courage to stand up for what you believe in, especially when faced with as much flak as she must receive. Thank you for continuing to provide women with encouragement to keep striving for more, especially in the face of naysayers. S Arnold NOBODY’S PERFECT I loved your article ‘The Mums are Alright’. When my kids were little I asked myself 24/7 – ‘Am I doing this right?’. Now my eldest is leaving home and I wonder why I didn’t live more in the moment and worry less. I’m…

An observation she often receives from friends is that she walks really fast and talks even faster. ‘That’s me. It’s in the DNA’ Bernadine Oliver-Kerby speaks in capital letters. Her enthusiasm is big. Every single sentence is punctuated with at least one emphasised word. She LOVES her job. Her family is her PASSION. Her alarm clock has been going off at 4.30am for TWELVE years. She worked over the summer holidays filling in for the weekend shifts, which was FABULOUS. Back in 1991, when she got her first TV role opposite Oscar Kightley on a teenage news show called Life, she couldn’t believe her luck: To land a PAID JOB at TVNZ as a TV PRESENTER? It was a DREAM. There are people who are cheerful because they have…

‘By the time Cameron was six months old, I was still having physio but was finally able to walk normally and gently jog’ ‘Getting mobile again was key’ Amie Crewes, 36, is a full-time mum. She lives with her husband Dan, 36, a senior enforcement officer and their son Cameron, 12 months. She says: “When I reflect on what my body has been through over the past year, I feel so proud of it. Cameron was born weighing 3.7kg after a 48-hour labour, which ended in an emergency C-section. When the epidural wore off, my left leg was numb and the doctors realised my labour had caused nerve damage. I had to use a wheelchair then crutches for my first seven weeks as a mum, which was scary, as we…

People come to us for weight loss, but soon realise there is so much more to it than that Joelene Ranby WELLNESS AND WEIGHT LOSS EXPERT, FOUNDER OF RESOLUTION RETREATS After discovering a new-found interest in health and fitness, Joelene Ranby not only dropped 20kg, she ditched her corporate career and turned her ‘passion project’ into a thriving business. “I come from a family of gorgeous voluptuous ladies, and I was becoming more and more that way myself. I used to struggle with body confidence, which was quite a contrast to the confidence I displayed in other areas of my life. I was an extrovert, but I hid myself under shapeless clothes. I was two opposites in one. I wasn’t happy with what I saw in the mirror and that…

Plastic surgery can only achieve so much. It won’t keep you competitive on the squash court Your lungs are very big,” says Dr Joseph Raffaele. “You really have very large lungs for your height and they have not aged much.” I blush, and try to say something self-deprecating. This is the first time anyone has noticed. I have a huge pair, according to Raffaele. The doctor, 56, is tall, tanned and elegantly dressed, in a dark suit and a cream shirt. His hair is dark and glossy. He has very white teeth. We’re sitting in his office, which looks over the tops of the trees of Central Park, and Raffaele is giving me the results of a series of physical and cognitive tests that are supposed to reveal my ‘physiological…

1 Write a list of all the things you loved doing as a child. What brought you joy just for the joy of it? For me, it was gymnastics, and yoga is like gymnastics for big kids so I do yoga now. 2 Spend seven days keeping track on your phone of the people, places and interactions that GIVE you energy and the ones that DEPLETE your energy. At the end of the week, take a look at the patterns you’re following. How many things are you doing that are on the draining list? 3 Write one experience where you feel valued, appreciated and heard. Distill out of that why it was so important. That’s the little nugget that will help you understand what drives you. 4 Do work that…

‘Find a weight and keep to it. The worst thing you can do to your face at this age is to yo-yo diet’ There’s a saying that goes, ‘At a certain age, you have to choose between your face and your ass.’ Often attributed to the French actress Catherine Deneuve, it rings true for us all. Indeed Jane Fonda has admitted she’s 4.5kg heavier than she’d like to be for the sake of her face and, when asked about dieting, Nigella Lawson once said, “If I lost 18kg, I’d age 10 years straight away.” While I don’t want to lose anywhere near 18kg, I could do with losing six. I’m a health writer, so I know a lot about weight loss. But I’m also a working mum of two young…

Insta COLOUR It feels like a balm but it’s pigment-packed like a lippy – the new Revlon Ultra HD Gel Lipcolour, $27, keeps lips hydrated and kissable, thanks to the gel base and hyaluronic acid. Available from March 1. Luminous loving Inspired by makeup artists, YSL’s Top Secrets have a new addition to take radiant skin to the next level. Top Secrets CC Creme SPF35, $99, has three colour correcting options depending on what your skin concern is. Choose Rose for pale and dull skin, Apricot for uneven skin tone and Lavender for sallow skin. Apply after moisturiser and before foundation. Tropical HUES The island of Antigua, Guatemala, is the inspiration for these bold shades from Essie, $23 each. They’ll offset a tan and look pretty against all summer clothes.…

I’m kinda busy Tempted to text or take a call during your workout? Don’t; wait until afterwards. Bloomberg University researchers found texting during a workout can decrease postural stability by 45%, and talking on the phone reduces it by 19%. Lead researcher Michael Rebold says when you’re on the phone, your attention is divided, upsetting your balance and increasing the risk of injury. On the up side, listening to music while exercising has no notable impact on stability, so no need to ditch that workout playlist. Mind boost If you’re thinking of taking up a new hobby, go for it – you’ll be doing your mental health a world of good. Research by Oxford University found evening classes such as singing, creative writing and crafts left people feeling more confident…

Chicken with courgettes & salsa verde 4 chicken breast fillets (680g), halved lengthways 1 Tbsp olive oil 5 courgettes (500g) ¹/ ³ cup flaked almonds, toasted 100g goat’s milk feta, crumbled ¼ cup fresh flat-leaf parsley leaves Salsa verde ½ cup fresh flat-leaf parsley, coarsely chopped ¼ cup fresh basil, coarsely chopped 1 clove garlic, crushed 2 tsp baby capers, drained, rinsed 1 tsp Dijon mustard ¼ cup (60ml) olive oil 2 tsp red wine vinegar 1 Season chicken. Heat oil in a large frying pan over medium-high heat; cook chicken, in batches, for 4 minutes each side or until browned and cooked through. Remove from pan; cover to keep warm. 2 Using a vegetable spiraliser, cut courgettes into spirals. 3 To make salsa verde, combine herbs, garlic and capers…

One of the platforms is 22 metres up a 1000-year-old rimu tree Well I did say I wanted to hang out with the girls. So here I am, 12 metres above the forest floor, dangling from a flying fox like a forgotten sock on a clothesline. Waiting to be rescued. Yes, rescued. Oh no it’s fine... I’m in safe hands – plus the view is awesome. So you can leave me here while I explain. Myself and my two daughters are enjoying an eco adventure with Rotorua’s Canopy Tours, a three-hour jaunt that takes us – via six ziplines of breathtaking length – through and over the beautiful canopy of Dansey Scenic Reserve Forest. This experience – which deservedly took out Supreme Winner at the NZ Tourism Awards – is…

PISCES FEB 20 – MAR 20 RELATIONSHIPS The Gemini Moon on March 5th, linked to sensitive Venus, will encourage you to share your innermost feelings. Don’t be afraid to let your needs show; you’ll find a new level of intimacy. There’s an intriguing change in your attitude this month – let’s call it a deepening, or perhaps a renewal of a search that never fully goes away. Blockages that have held you back will now ease and you’ll rediscover the knack of relating well to most people. MONEY You’re in the process of laying foundations that will need to last, so do it well. Allocate time in the first half of the month to planning. It’s a chance to update and consolidate your financial arrangements, including a review of savings…

In the pitch dark , on a moonless night, I float, legs dangling above the mouths of invisible monsters “Selling tickets on the Titanic? I’ll take one. Invade Russia during winter? Sounds awesome. Import possums, stoats and ferrets to a country with abundant birdlife and no natural predators? What could possibly go wrong? There’s a Trojan horse outside? Hang on, I’ll open the gates. I am a one-woman calamity, a human disaster ray right now. I couldn’t make a good decision to save my life, have more bad ideas than hot dinners – although that’s probably because I don’t actually have a proper kitchen, or a shower. I almost have a toilet and I’m very excited about it: so excited, when Roy from Bioloo drove all the way down from…