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VizViz

Viz

December/Jan 2020

Viz has been gracing British newsagents' shelves since 1979. Its irreverent mix of bad language, childish cartoons and sharp satire has seen its creators hauled over the coals by the United Nations, questioned by Scotland Yard's anti-terrorist branch and exhibited in the Tate Gallery. Viz's comic characters, such as the Fat Slags, Sid the Sexist, and Roger Mellie the foul-mouthed Man on the Telly, as well as its hugely popular Top Tips and Profanisaurus sections, are firmly established as national institutions, just like Broadmoor Hospital for the Criminally Insane. *Manufacturer's estimate.

Country:
United Kingdom
Language:
English
Publisher:
Dennis Publishing UK
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$29.05
10 Issues

IN THIS ISSUE

15 min.
letter books

I’VE just noticed that if you take the first three letters of the word ‘banana’ and add them to the last five letters of ‘toffee’, you get the word ‘Banoffee’. Astonishingly, banana and toffee are the two main ingredients in Banoffee Pie! Do I get a Viz pen for pointing out this incredible coincidence? Brian Oliver, email “DO Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?” asked sci-fi author Phillip K Dick. Well, no, but they might count them in order to get to sleep. Come on mate, think it through. Philip K. Dickhead more like. James Thompson, London I’VE been trying to shag the barmaid in my local boozer for ages with no success. I’ve tried praying, but I’ve realised that with seven billion people on earth praying for world peace, an end to hunger and…

1 min.
top tips

AVOID embarrassing silences in crowded elevators by farting loudly. Charlie Moon, Birmingham CONVINCE people taking the escalator up from the subway that it is raining outside by pouring a bucket of water over your head before you go down the escalator. The look on their faces as they exit onto the street and see that it isn’t raining! David Scroggs, South Korea CONVINCE other residents in your old folks’ home that you survived the Titanic sinking by putting a fish in your top pocket and spitting out water. Spencer Fiddaman, Birmingham DRIVERS. In foggy weather, save wearand tearonyour foglampbulb by simply driving with your left foot resting gently on the brake pedal. David Craik, Hull NOVICE spear-fishers. Become accustomed to the refraction of light in water by stabbing baked potatoes with knitting needles in a deep bath. Ronny Gill,…

1 min.
nation’s favourite carol still kirkwood

WITH CHRISTMAS fast approaching, a new survey has revealed that Britain’s Favourite Carol, for the second year running, is BBC weather expert Carol Kirkwood, who narrowly beat Once in Royal David’s City to the top spot. “As ever, it’s a fascinating set of results,” said Barry Onions, Professor of Carols at Oxford University. “Kirkwood and Once In Royal David’s City were very close this year, followed by a solid third place for In Thee Bleak Midwinter, and then Carol Vorderman in her highest position since 1999.” fashion Theree was also a surprisingly high placingg for both Carol Smillie and The First Noel at nine and fourteen respectively, despite many believing that both have fallen out of fashion in recent years. Surprisingly, neither Carol Decker from T’ Pau or In Dulci Jubilo made the list. Mike…

8 min.
twinkle, twinkle, hollywood stars

EVERYONE loves a traditional nativity play. Except the kids who only get to be sheep in them, and their parents. These simplistic dramatisations of the events in Bethlehem two millennia ago are highlights of everyone’s festive season. But for all their charm, these productions are far from perfect; the scenery is very crude, the costumes – generally home-made from tea-towels and bed sheets – lack authenticity, and the acting is very wooden, with the toddler cast either parroting their lines with little feeling and dramatic passion, or forgetting them completely. Invariably, the result is a stilted, amateurish production that would stand little chance of winning any awards for theatrical excellence. How much better would these hammy shows be if the toddlers simply got off the stage and allowed the professionals to…

2 min.
stars of bethlehem!

WHETHER we played the Infant Christ or a lowly sheep, we all have fond memories of our school Nativity play. And our fave celebs are no different. That’s why, for a bit of festive fun, we rounded up four of the planet’s top A-Listers and asked them one simple question: What part did YOU play in YOUR primary school Nativity? Bono, pop bell-end I PLAYED one of the Wise Men, but unfortunately my entrance onto the stage was delayed by several hours as it turned out I had accidentally left my papier-mâché crown in Australia. By the time I’d had it flown it back to the primary school on a private jet, half the audience had got bored and fucked off home. On the plus side, though, a quarter of the ticket…

2 min.
commons as muck

AS HIS FINAL move before retiring, outgoing House of Commons Speaker John Bercow has introduced a “star chart” system to improve behaviour in Parliament. TV viewers were shocked last month to see cat-calling, jeering and aggressive barracking during heated Brexit debates, with many MPs criticised for their inflammatory rhetoric and so-called “unparliamentary language.” Addressing MPs in his final speech before stepping down, Mr Bercow said that every member of the house would have their very own star chart, which will be put up next to their coat peg in the Commons cloakroom. “Good behaviour, such as giving way politely on a point of order during a debate or doing ‘good sitting’ while a minister delivers a statement to the house, will be rewarded with a gold star to stick on your chart,”…