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Viz September 2020

Viz has been gracing British newsagents' shelves since 1979. Its irreverent mix of bad language, childish cartoons and sharp satire has seen its creators hauled over the coals by the United Nations, questioned by Scotland Yard's anti-terrorist branch and exhibited in the Tate Gallery. Viz's comic characters, such as the Fat Slags, Sid the Sexist, and Roger Mellie the foul-mouthed Man on the Telly, as well as its hugely popular Top Tips and Profanisaurus sections, are firmly established as national institutions, just like Broadmoor Hospital for the Criminally Insane. *Manufacturer's estimate.

United Kingdom
Dennis Publishing UK
R 59,76
R 537,83
10 Issues

in this issue

2 min
tony parsehole

WHEN I heard the tragic news that Dame Vera Margaret Lynn CH DBE OStJ (nee Welch) had died at the age of 103 years of age, I wept and I wept and I wept. And after I had wept and wept and wept, I wept and I wept and I wept some more. The tears just kept gushing out of my eyes like firehoses. Firehoses of grief. And then, when I thought that I had wept and wept and wept the last tear my grief-wracked body could summon up and eject from its nasolacrimal ducts, I wept even more. My sadness was infinite, like a black hole of despair, bigger than the one in Calcutta. Much bigger. Much, much bigger. Much, much, much bigger. I wept so much that I became dehydrated and suffered dark-coloured urine, fatigue, dizziness…

14 min

Viz Comic, P.O. Box 841 Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ letters@viz.co.uk E-mail letters@viz.co.uk ⃞ OUR RECENT pizza order was delivered by a bloke in an Audi TT. Who knew there was that much profit to be made selling bread discs with tomato sauce and cheese on top for £20 a pop? Mike Tatham, St. Andrews ⃞ INSPIRED by a sign on a bench in our local park saying “He spent many happy hours sitting here,” I asked the Beate Uhse sex shop in Hamburg if they’d put up a similar sign in my memory in wank booth number four when I died. But they told me to fuck off. In German. Leonard Wankbender, Edinburgh ⃞ DOES ANYONE else step over discarded facemasks like they were used rubber Johnnys? The times, they are a-changing. Adam M, Glasgow ⃞ I THINK…

1 min
it’s a funny old world

RAISIN HEL Los Angeles, USA BRITISH STAGE and screen icon DAME HELEN MIRREN has shocked fans by launching a high profile bid to enter the Guinness Book of World Records… for eating the most raisins in the space of an hour. “I love raisins, me. In fact, cards on the table, I probably like them more than I like acting,” she told Hollywood gossip columnist Fanny Batter. “I’ll be training with some of Tinseltown’s top dried grape specialists to make sure I blow the ‘currant’ record out of the water,” the Caligula star quipped. LIDL BUY LIDDLE Munich, Germany THE GERMAN supermarket giant LIDL has shelled out an undisclosed fee to purchase the journalist, broadcaster and twat ROD LIDDLE. Lidl bought Liddle at around 9pm Central European Time yesterday evening, with executives for…

1 min
cobra corner

⃞ ANIMAL experts tell us that snakes are more scared of humans than we are of them. What nonsense. When I encountered a king cobra while on holiday in India, I shat myself but the snake didn’t. Martin Harwood, Bradford ⃞ ON A trek through the mountains of Brazil, I encountered both the highly venomous Coral Cobra (Micrurus decoratus) and its perfectly harmless look-a-like, the False Coral Cobra (Erythrolamprus aesculapii). You can tell them apart as one has an extra band of white in its markings, although I can’t recall if that’s the killer or the imposter. Luckily, there’s a rhyme to help people remember which is which. It goes… Duas cobras, uma venenosa, uma não,Mas qual é qual e qual não é,O mortal tem duas faixas brancas,O impostor três, tão seguro de…

2 min
top tips

GENTS. Avoid having to spend £5,000 on a Marriage Vow Renewal Ceremony in Florence by not getting caught shagging a woman from work over the photo copier. Torbjorn Wallpaper, Hull INCREASE the romance of your wife finding you have blocked the toilet by leaving a trail of rose petals scattered across the bathroom floor, leading to the pot. Ian Baker, Weston-super-Mare PRESENTERS of Inside The Factory on BBC2. Don’t act so amazed every time you give us facts like Britain eats over a million Kit-Kats a week, or drinks over 10 million litres of Cola ayear. There are 70 million of us, so everything that we consume is going to be in the ballpark of millions. David Wardle, Manchester WORKMEN. Put a sign on your van that says ‘Tools ARE kept in this van overnight,’ then…

1 min
down-white cheek!

BROON Windsors cartoonist STEVIE WHITE has become the latest in a long line of Viz contributors attempting to blag free advertising for one of their projects in the magazine. White, who draws under the pen name Stref, and his colleague Caine have released LOV& - 13 original songs written and recorded in lockdown by their band Jawbone Walk, which is on sale as a download at jawbonewalk.bandcamp.com/releases. The artist attempted to persuade Viz editor Hampton Doubleday to plug the project without payment by saying that all money raised will be donated to the Edinburgh Children’s Hospital Charity and the Alzheimer Scotland Dementia Research Clinic. But his cynical attempt at emotional blackmail fell on deaf ears. “Viz Comic is a product placement-free zone,” said Doubleday. “Time and again, contributors think they can get a…