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Viz December/Jan 2021

Viz has been gracing British newsagents' shelves since 1979. Its irreverent mix of bad language, childish cartoons and sharp satire has seen its creators hauled over the coals by the United Nations, questioned by Scotland Yard's anti-terrorist branch and exhibited in the Tate Gallery. Viz's comic characters, such as the Fat Slags, Sid the Sexist, and Roger Mellie the foul-mouthed Man on the Telly, as well as its hugely popular Top Tips and Profanisaurus sections, are firmly established as national institutions, just like Broadmoor Hospital for the Criminally Insane. *Manufacturer's estimate.

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United Kingdom
Dennis Publishing UK
R 59,76
R 537,83
10 Issues

in this issue

12 min

I HAD my septic tank emptied by an engineer called Thomas Moore. I was about make a very clever play on words by remarking “who will rid me of this turbulent piss,” when I remembered that was Thomas Becket, not Thomas More, and so narrowly avoided a potentially embarrassing moment. Persemillion Jones, Sizewell SO MULTI-MILLIONAIRE property developer and Conservative party donor Tony Gallagher has been given a knighthood in the Queen’s Birthday Honours List “for services to land development and the property business.” Well, if that’s the case, why is it that… actually, no. Fuck the punchline. “Services to land development and the property business” is funny enough as it is. Stan Magnusson, Tooting STAR LETTER INSTEAD of was ting their energies creating Tr ack& Tr ace systems that don’t work, why don’t tech boffins…

2 min
merry shitmas

GIVING your guests a bout of shits is difficult enough at the best of times, but getting it just right on Christmas Day can test any amateur cook to the limit. But don’t worry. Here, some of Britain’s top chefs give their tips for perfect Christmas Day diarrhoea every time. Jamie Oliver RANCID DUCK is such an under-used route to gastroentiritis these days, with many people preferring off-turkey and pork. How wrong they are! Mucky turned duck has been making us rush to our bogs since Roman times. Remember to defrost and refreeze it at least five times before putting it on the radiator to rest. A light salad is a pointless final touch that your guests won’t even notice as they roll about on the floor. Tom Kerridge FOR A PROPER lush xmas…

1 min
‘no conferring’ corner

I WAS recently watching an edition of University Challenge and was astonished to see that one of the Oxford University contestants was studying ‘modern history’. What utter nonsense. History cannot be ‘modern’ any more than water can be dry. I understand that Boris Johnson attended the same institution, so it’s little wonder that he turned out to be a wrong ‘un. Eric Nipples, Orkney THE OTHER night I let out a bottom burp that sounded just like the buzzer from University Challenge, and quick as a flash I said “Samson, Cambridge.” Unfortunately there's was no one around to hear the amusing sound and subsequent witty remark, but I'm certain it would have made my wife laugh had she been there. Have any other readers managed to make a well known sound when…

1 min
top tips

CRIMINALS. Avoid being caught by deliberately wearing the wrong-sized shoes when committing acrime. Rob Powell, We lshpool CHANNEL 4executives. Rename E4 “The Come Dine With Me Channel” to avoid any confusion about what’s on. Gary Ireland, Ta uranga OFF-ROAD enthusiasts. Te st your skills as adriver and the performance of your vehicle by driving along the pothole-filled, challenging terrainofthe A82main road through the town of Clydebank. T. O’Neill, Glasgow CURLERS. When the inevitable panic-buying of curling stones occurs this winter, remember that frozen chickens make an ideal replacement for sliding down theice. Different teams canbedifferentiated by using normalchickens andthose yellow, corn-fed ones. And one of the legs stuck up makes an idealhandle. Tim Buktu, Timbuktu CONVINCE fruit machine arcade staff you’ve won £500 by putting £500 in notes into the change machine, before taking your 500 £1 coins…

1 min
issue 300 competition winners

A copy of the Viz Annual 2021, The Wizard’s Sleeve to: Tanya Cook, Norwich; Shelley Raiden, Fife; Marie Elmes, Manchester; Neil Slater, Whitby; Derek Whiteside, County Antrim; Maisie-Ann Winston, Gwent; Charlie Hollis, London; Luis Vasquez, Kent; Giorgios Hill, Coventry; Paul Goddard, Notts; Thomas Patterson, London; James Vickers, Manchester; Kim Halliday, Cleveland; John Pingree, Hampshire; Jason Gatticker, Somerset; Andrea Hill, London; Nick James, Kent; Chris Jones, Oxon; Pete Short, Cheshire; Andy Mitchell, Bournemouth; Jed Scott, Errol; John Shimwell, London; Sadie Hunter, Tyne and Wear; Kirstin Williams, London; Colin Dixon, Middlesex; Louise Mc Nicol, Renfrewshire; Sam Price, Bridgend; James Cavannagh, Liverpool; Catherine Brown, Walton-on-Thames and Neil Sharma, Birmingham.…

2 min
those funny foreigners!

WHETHER they are having their tea really late or kipping in the afternoon, foreigners are certainly funny chaps. This week, we’ve been sifting through some of the best letters about the way foreigners answer the phone. AROUND twenty years ago, we went on holiday to a French campsite. One day, I was in the site owner’s office when his phone rang. He answered it and said “Allo?” I almost pissed myself laughing as it sounded so ridiculous. It was like he was trying to say ‘hello’! He didn’t see the funny side and ushered me out of the office. I have never forgotten it and even today, almost a quarter of a century later, I still call him every single day to hear him say it and then hang up! He…