VizMarch 2024的目錄

As The Beatles have again made headlines this festive season by scoring their first No 1 UK single in 54 years, RC shines its (Carnival Of) light on the group’s former bass player, spending 116 pages examining Paul McCartney’s illustrious solo career from McCartney to today, with help from Micky Dolenz, Mike McCartney, Youth, Nigel Godrich and many more. Pete Paphides examines his mellow philosophy in 10 records, there’s a brand-new 10-PAGE UK discography, as well as some of the best writing on all his studio albums, features on his classical work, musicianship, rarities, collaborations and much more. Available in all the usual places, or order from: shop.recordcollectormag.com…

GENTLEMEN. Coat your testicles in honey and sprinkle them with polystyrene packing pellets prior to taking a bath. If the bath is too hot, the honey will melt, the packing pellets will fall off and your testicles will sink. If the bath water is tepid, your testicles will remain afloat and you may continue your ablutions. Nick Lyon, Orkney GIVE boring office meetings a police drama feel by saying “for the benefit of the tape (work colleague’s name) has entered/left the room” any time anyone comes in or leaves. Hasto, Cramlington SUPERGLU E a dead wasp to your palm before slapping your boss on the head. When they remonstrate, simply show them your hand, and say how you saved them from getting stung. Adam, Manchester AVOID overfilling the kettle and…

Good point WE ALL know that eggs are egg-shaped, but have we ever stopped to ask why? Scientists at Bristol University have received £2.5million in funding to answer just that question. “For thousands of years, we have simply accepted that eggs are the shape they are and that’s that,” said project leader Dr Stanley Crumbs. “But we want to investigate why they are egg-shaped. And why do they have one end more pointy than the other, rather than being symmetrical ovoids?” Initial findings of the research indicate that the answers to these fundamental questions may have something to do with the evolution of the chicken. “At some point in time, a chicken may have developed a mutation which made it produce pointy-ended eggs rather than round ones,” said Dr Crumbs.…

BRITAIN’S supermarkets have got together and agreed not to use any egg puns in their advertising campaigns this Easter. The season is usually awash with adjectives with the prefix ‘ex-‘ replaced by the word ‘eggs’ in the mistaken belief that this is either amusing or clever. “It’s about time that this tiresome practice came to an end,” said Herbert Pocket, chair of the Joint Supermarket Retail Association. “I’m sure our customers are sick to the back teeth of reading about ‘Egg-septional prices’ or ‘Egg-strordinary value’ every time they visit one of our stores between February and May.” “Nobody has ever once laughed or been entertained by these signs. They’re simply beyond dull” he continued. “Honest to God, if I have to look at another sign reading ‘Eggstra Special Easter Offers’…

Across 8 Something fishy in bottom spanking (3,5) 9 Observe around Rebekah Vardy, say, a load of piss and shit (6) 10 Follow girl behind men, not giving head (5) 11 Fish behind shit breasts (9) 13 Prophetess: booty also covered in crap, finally wiped (9) 14/20 Pervert felt lace with care, finding very sticky turds (5,7) 16 See 17 17/16 Success after robust crap - quick dump (5,4) 18 Bonkers lady? (4) 21 One using stealth put some semen in jacksie (5) 22 Poet finding flange on Cheryl, once (9) 23 Spiderman or Batman with herpes or flu’, ultimately buggered (9) 25 Record bottery, screening penetration in the end (5) 27 Masseur Johnny? (6) 28 Excited, a son with luck removes clothing (8) Down 1 Man for example into…

METEOROLIGISTS warn that we are in for a blast of Arctic weather. Snow and ice in all parts of the UK will bring widespread travel disruption and the cancellation of sporting fixtures. But music business insiders are also worried that the freezing temperatures will make life particularly hazardous for pop bellend Sting. “It’s not the cold temperatures that are the problem,” says Hymen Prepuce, head of Parlophone records. “Sting could wrap up warm in a thick coat, perhaps a trench coat from Aquascutum, or a peacoat from Brunello Cucinelli. The real problem that faces him is falling on the ice.” sumptious Prepuce is right to be concerned, because despite his multi-million pound fortune, 72-year-old Sting is subject to the same laws of physics as everyone else. “Ice has got a…

VIZ editor Hampton Doubleday was included in the list of singers, sports men and women, and Conservative party donors nominated in the recent New Year’s Honours list, it has been revealed. But the long-serving custodian of Britain’s fourth funniest magazine was forced to turn his gong down. Doubleday had been awarded a knighthood in recognition of his services to poor quality humour, and was invited to Buckingham Palace to receive the accolade from King Charles himself. But the lofty editor discovered that he was too tall to leave the office in the regulation top hat that is essential for ceremony. “I am 6’ 2’’ tall, which means I have a combined height of seven feet when sporting a ten-inch topper,” he told the Fulchester Clarion. “However, the doors in the…

A FOUR-LETTER outburst by actor BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH at an on-set catering van left fellow actors and production staff shocked and horrified. On the second day of filming The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar at Pinewood Studios, the actor erupted shortly after taking the top off a boiled egg with a spoon. “Benedict had asked for a soft boiled egg for breakfast from the caterers,” said one crew member who wished to remain anonymous. “However, when he took the top off, he found that it was hard, and that’s when he blew his top.” According to onlookers, Cumberbatch threw the egg at the catering staff whilst screaming foulmouthed abuse. “He was yelling that he was sick of working with effing amateurs who couldn’t even boil an effing egg properly,” according to…

IN November 1923, the world rocked with laughter as an iconic cartoon character took to the screen for the very first time. As the first cartoon movie with a synchronised soundtrack, Walt Disney’s Steamboat Willie was a groundbreaking film. But it is for the introduction of Mickey Mouse that the film is most revered. This cartoon mouse is one of the most iconic images in history, loved by everyone on the planet except former immigration Minister Robert Jenrick. But now the copyright on this charming film has finally expired, meaning that anyone can use images from the delightful film without fear of legal intervention from Disney Studios. And to celebrate Mickey’s first performance entering the public domain, we’ve got a frame from the movie for you to deface and defile…

A NOTTINGHAMSHIRE mobile egg salesman has launched legal action against the surviving members of the Beatles, claiming that one of the group’s songs has caused him lost sales. For the last 5 years, BARTRAM DUCKFIELD has run a successful business selling eggs door to door from his van in the Colwick area of Nottingham. But over the last 3 months he has seen profits go down, and now he thinks he has identified the reason. “It’s the song about the walrus that the Beatles did what’s the problem,” he told the Colwick Ganglion. “People on my round know me as ‘The Egg Man’. They don’t call me Bartram, or Mr Duckfield. It’s ‘The Egg Man’.” elsewhere Duckfield believes the song I Am the Walrus, which contains the line ‘I am…

IT’S a conundrum as old as time – Which came first, the chicken… or the egg? For centuries, the greatest thinkers and philosophers have been unable to answer this seemingly simple question, and despite massive leaps in our understanding of the world, today’s scientists don’t seem able to come up with the solution either. So perhaps it’s a conundrum best left to the celebrities. We asked some household names – pop singers, sports stars, stage and screen celebrities – for their answers to this age-old poser. LAURENCE FOX, arsehole “I think it is more likely the chicken came first, because if you think about it, a chicken could have evolved from something else that didn’t hatch from an egg, like a fish or a newt or something. But an egg…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk Advanced British Standard 1. n. Baccalaureate - style qualifications for 16 to 19 year olds that will apparently replace A-levels and once again make everything wonderful forever. 2. n. Post-Brexit alternative to the British Standard Handful, ushering in a nationwide utopia of Barbara Windsor-sized norks. Aladdin’s rug n. An inch-thick mat of shit tickets laid upon the water’s surface before embarking on one’s dirty business, with the intention of leaving the shark’s mouth spotlessly clean after flushing. arse parcels n. The goods which fall out of a ripped shopping bag. aspartame daddy n. Bloke who pretends to be rich in order to get his end away. A fake sugar daddy. band aid 1. n. prop. Charitable supergroup headed by Bob Geldof who raised lots of money with Do They Know It’s Christmas? 2. n.…