Índex per May 2026 a Viz

HOW DO the CERN lot fire up that Large Hadron Collider? When I had a gas cooker, I had a long, thin sparky thing which never worked, and I always ended up using matches. Even with a gas ring circumference of just three inches, I always risked 2nd degree burns. The sixteen-mile circumference one at CERN must have Brian Cox shitting himself each time he lobs a match in. Professor Dave, Cape Cod THE PRESS seemed to make a big thing over the king knowing nothing in advance about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor being arrested. But was that actually newsworthy? I’m sure when the police go to arrest someone, they are not in the habit of calling their brother first to tip them off. At least, they didn’t call my brother Stan…

Boffins develop cruelty_free Greatest Show on Earth SINCE its development almost a decade ago, laboratory-grown meat has proved extremely popular. The cruelty-free flesh has quickly become the choice of protein for those who enjoy the taste and health benefits of meat, but are opposed to the slaughter of animals in the traditional farming industry. And now scientists are set to placate cruelty campaigners even more by announcing the launch of a brand new product - lab-grown circus animals. According to Will Corndog, CEO of Sci-Fry one of the companies be- hind lab-grown meat synthetic circus animals are the natural next step. "We took the cruelty out of meat-eating with our products, SO we asked ourselves what else do people enjoy but sometimes feel bad about?" he told EXCLUSIVE! an audience of boffins at…

WHEN I heard the terrible news that Chuck Norris had died, I wept. I wept and I wept and I wept. For in an age where true heroes are few and far between, Chuck was the epitome of the All American hero. Tall, square-jawed (counts as two words even though there’s a dash) and handsome, he epitomed what every man wanted to be. And after Bruce Lee, he was possibly the best man on earth at Kung Fu. He could do all the moves. The Horse Stance (Mă Bù), the Arrow Stance (Gōng Bù), the Cat Stance (Xū Bù), the Low Stance Chop Down (Pū Bù) and many more. Such as the Back Fist (Fan Che), the Twisting Low Punch (Xiē Bù Chōng Quán), Palm Strikes (Zhāng) and Low Kicks…

THEY are small mammals in the order Lagomorpha and it is the world’s largest island, surrounded by three different oceans. There are more than 70 different species of them and it has an area of nearly 3 million square miles. They first appeared on earth 55 million years ago, and it first appeared on earth 45 million years ago. They are RABBITS and AUSTRALIA. And you may think you are completely up to speed when it comes to these small hopping animals and this large, dry continent… What is their gestation period?… what is the capital of it?… how much do they cost in pet shops? But prepare to be amazed and educated as we bring you… PEOPLE often use the phrase ‘breeding like rabbits’. But this is a deceptive…

An Update of Britain’s Favourite Lexicon of Filth and Profanity profanisaurus@viz.co.uk alcorithm n. Advanced internal artificial intelli- gence that directs men home after 15 pints. all you can eat Brazilian 1. n. Restaurant offerings at venues such as Estabulo. 2. n. Dining at the Y. Andrew Mountbatten Windsor denies any wrongdoing exclam. Said after dropping your guts so disgracefully that you are shunned by your family and have to move out of your house. and we’ll have full reactions to that latest statement from the President in a minute exclam. Humorous pronouncement in the wake of a noisy trump. bed truffle n. Small and almost intoxicating outlet of pungent gas that occurs between the sheets. Bed truffles are often at their most piquant in the early hours of the morning and…

NEVER discuss politics or religion in polite company.” So wrote American author Mark Twain. But had he lived into the 21st Century, Twain would surely have amended his famous injunction to read: “Never discuss politics, religion or who is the best Blue in polite company.” That’s because, here in 2026, each and every one of us has a favourite Blue – and we will defend our personal preference at all costs, using violence if necessary. For some, the world’s greatest Blue is none other than BONNIE BLUE, the British-born grumble star who is rarely out of the headlines thanks to her saucy sexual stunts. For others, the Best Blue title belongs to DEACON BLUE, the Scot-pop-rock band whose hits include Real Gone Kid and Bigger Than Dynamite. For everyone else,…

Take a Shit EVERY football team has a mascot – an animal, person or inanimate object which acts as the club’s embodiment, and fans see these mascots brought to life on match day. At lower levels, this usually means a club volunteer dressing in an outsized, shop-bought foam bird or animal costume, walking round the pitch and self-consciously waving to the crowd. But like everything else in the game, mascoting in the top flight involves big bucks. And no one understands this more than professional Premiership mascot CROMPTON BLADDERWORT. You have likely never seen his face, but in his thirty-year career, the Barnsley-born 58-year-old has taken to the pitch to entertain fans at some of the biggest football clubs in the country, indeed the world. And now, as he finally…

UK perilously light on fun gas stocks IT is impossible to imagine a Britain without helium. Human celebrations of every kind - from birthdays to weddings, from leaving-dos to hen-nights would be impoverished beyond measure by the absence of party balloons floating and bobbing courtesy of this scarce and finite lighter-than-air gas. But the supply of the nation's 'first gas of fun' is under threat. Last week Qatar suspended industrial purification of helium, taking around a third of global production off-line overnight. As a result, it is likely that the much-loved party balloon could quickly become the next casualty of war in the Middle East. The inert gas, which accumulates in scattered geological reserves over billions of years and cannot be synthesised at scale, was first identified in 1881 by…